12.26.2009

as giddy as a schoolgirl

Ah yes, so Christmas has been lovely.  I always get all giddy and excited about Christmas like I'm a little kid or something.  It's great.  It just makes me so happy.  It's a special time of year.  And I love giving people presents and seeing the look on their faces when they open them and get all excited because they like them so much.  And hey, getting presents is great too. :)
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My sister got a new cellphone recently.  The kinda that slides open and has a full keyboard.  She's is totally obsessed with texting with it.  Especially since we now have unlimited texting.  She's currently watching an episode of Law&Order SVU and telling me all about it.  I've seen the episode before so she's trying to guess whodunnit.
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I just downloaded Skype.  People have been telling me for a while that I should get it.  So I finally did.  I don't have a microphone or webcam.  I'm gonna give just regular chat a shot and maybe if I like it enough and use it enough I'll get a headset and webcam to go with it.  We'll see what happens!
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So, y'all remember me talking about Fred, right?  I talked about him in this post.  We started e-mailing each other the day I made that post.  I'm really looking forward to meeting him next week when I go to Fort Wayne.  We have similar taste in music and movies.  We both like to work with youth and kids.  He seems like a really great person with a good sense of humor.  I'm really looking forward to have dinner with him, my sister, and my sister's husband. :)

12.23.2009

fun stuff

I was being very grumpy and selfish when I wrote that last post.  Yay for grumpiness!!  Haha, just kidding.  I certainly can get terribly crabby and grumpy sometimes though.  Usually it happens either in the morning, or when I'm really tired, or when I'm really hungry.  And when all three of those things are combined, you're probably safest just staying away from me.  Ah, the unpredictability that is life.  Don't you love it??
Any who, that's not exactly what I got on here to write about tonight (actually, this morning).  And I just realized what time it actually is so I'm gonna try to make this quick and head to bed or else I'll be a zombie in the morning.
When I stop and really think about it, I realize just how eclectic my tastes are.  For example, consider the books I'm currently reading.  I started Sherlock Holmes over the summer and got halfway through volume two when I went on OAFC Travel Team in July.  School started a month after I got back so I've yet to finish the volume.  Thanks to my children's lit class and my Mom who volunteers at the thrift store in town, I now own Where The Sidewalk Ends and am reading that also.  I recently began watching the Gossip Girl series on T.V. and so decided to peruse the book series it's based on.  So yeah, I'm reading classic mysteries, children's poetry, and young adult fiction.
The eclecticness continues with music.  For my Christmas list I picked the two C.D.'s that I want the most.  I would absolutely love to own a C.D. of some of The Rat Pack's music.  That would be so amazing.  I love that classy, smooth, yet sexy music.  The other C.D. I asked for is Flyleaf's new album Memento Mori.  Flyleaf is a heavy metal, sort of screamo, Christian rock band.  I have their first album and can't wait to hear their new stuff.
Yep, being eclectic is what makes life fun.  Being so set on certain things or certain types of things is so boring.  I purposefully try out new music, books, movies, etc. because I don't want to get sucked into just one particular kind of something and not even bother to try something new.

12.20.2009

i want a magical wardrobe

So, I got to spend the weekend with one of my dearest friends.  We wanted to get together and hang out before she goes off to college next month.  It was great.  We had so much fun.
But then I came home.
I was tired and had a headache after driving two hours in not so great weather.  All I wanted to do was unpack, drink some tea, take a shower, and perhaps have a snack and do some small things before hitting the sack.
I hadn't even stepped out of the vehicle and Dad was already asking for my help with hiding and wrapping a Christmas gift.  Everything else just seemed to follow after that.  My Mom's got so many crazy things going on that she wants my help with and I don't think she realizes that I have things of my own that I need to get done.  She wants me to fix this, do that with pictures, blah, blah, blah.
Hello!  I have my own things that I need to get done!!  I mean, I don't mind helping out, but she needs to realize that I have a life separate from what she has going on.
I still need to finish these ornaments that should've been done last week.  I have to list old school books on Ebay and buy ones for the coming semester.  I need to make lunch to take to work because I'm going in earlier tomorrow which throws a wrench into the things I need to get done.  I couldn't even take a shower tonight because Mom started the washer which drained the hot water.  I washed my hair and face and figured I'd just get up earlier and do the rest in the morning because I didn't want to go to sleep with wet hair.
I am so overwhelmed and choked up and stressed out.  Being at my friend's house was so relaxing.  They had a bunch of things going on too, but everyone was so relaxed and mellow and just go-with-the-flow.  I need to cry but just can't seem to bring myself to do it.
Gah, this is so frustrating.  I don't like being stressed out, especially during this time of year.  I love Christmas and I want to be happy and cheerful.  This sucks.
I wish I had a magical wardrobe so I could escape to Narnia.

12.14.2009

you can't separate sisters

I'm not really sure what to write, but I know I need to because my brain is full right now.  I need to make some room up there.
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My family and I went to a concert at Condordia Seminary in St. Louis today.  It's part of the "Bach at the Sem" series.  I have to say, it was quite amazing.  I love watching people sing and play instruments.  You can see on their faces the dedication and love they have for their art.  It's inspiring.  How the choir members unswervingly follow the conductor's lead, yet their eyes flit back and forth from the music sheet to their leader.  The musicians wait in expectation for their cue.  It's all so beautiful.  So many talented people working together to create such blissful sounds.  I love music.
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Hopefully this month I'll be able to get together with one of my friends for a weekend and hang out.  She's going off to college in the spring to a place even farther away from me than she already is, and we both would like to spend time together once more before she goes off to school.  I think she'll do splendidly.  She's both nervous and excited.  I'm so happy for her.
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This time of the month annoys me so much.  My energy levels are up and down, all over the place.  I already do like to stay up late and my sporadic energy bursts don't help any at all.  My mood fluctuates too.  And I'm hungry all the time.  I eat like a pregnant lady.  (That part makes me laugh though.)  The other night I ate four or five pieces of pizza when I usually eat just two.  *sigh*  But I suppose that's something you've just got to deal with when you're a female.  At least I haven't passed out (so far) this month.  That's nice.  It doesn't happen often and when it does I'm only out for a maximum of maybe three minutes, but still, it's not very fun.
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At the end of this month I'm going to an OAFC New Years Gathering at the Concordia Theological Seminary in Fort Wayne, Indiana.  My sister and her husband live up there so I'm going to have dinner with them one night while I'm there.  One of my brother-in-law's friends will be joining us.  My brother-in-law thinks that I'll get along well with this friend of his.  This friend (we'll call him "Fred") Fred is into music, plays guitar if I remember right, is going to the seminary in Fort Wayne, and is very involved with the youth group at his fieldwork church.  My brother-in-law described him as being "a very happy and open person".  I'm really looking forward to meeting Fred.
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I don't really like this feeling.  The feeling that your friend's interests that are different from your own start to take precedence in their lives which makes it hard for you to sympathize with them about things.  You're a sympathetic and attentive listener and you want to help and offer advice,  but you can't.  You can't because you haven't been in situations like that.  Then again, sometimes people just need someone to vent to and they don't really expect any advice in return.  They just need to talk to someone, have someone to bounce ideas off of.  I do that all the time.  So I just need to sit back and relax and not worry about it.
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I wish I talked more.  I wish I vented my feelings more.  I'm very good at listening and comforting, but when I try to vent my feelings to someone, it doesn't always work.  Either they don't realize what I'm trying to do and so they don't really pay attention, or I chicken out and decide to keep my feelings inside of me.  I wish there was someone there 24/7 that I could always talk to and that would always listen and pay attention.  I do write to God in my prayer journal every night, but it's not quite the same as talking to someone I can physically see and touch.  I'm not very good at talking on the phone either, so venting to my dear sister just isn't quite the same when we're in different states.  It's not like when we were younger and our rooms were connected or just down the hall from each other.  We used to stay up late without our parents knowing and play with the dollhouse in my room.  We thought we were so sneaky.  I miss my sister.  I can't wait to see her later this month.

12.11.2009

12.10.2009

the weather outside is frightful...

Ah, yes, I know.  That's such a cheesy title.  But it's all I could come up with at the moment.  My brain is starting to shut down and I'm ready to curl up in bed with my kitty and catch some Z's.
It was so ridiculously windy today.  Oh my gosh.  I don't think the temperature went above 30 degrees Fahrenheit.  The wind made it feel about a thousand times colder than it was.  And it looks like tomorrow will be more of the same.  You know that feeling of being so cold that you don't want to change into pajamas because that will make you colder than you already are so you just sleep in the clothes you've worn all day?  Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what I'll be doing tonight... except I'm wearing skinny jeans, so that might not be very comfortable.  My room seemed particularly colder than the rest of the house, so my Mom told me I could get one of the small space heaters from the basement and stick it in my room to warm it up.  It works wonderfully!  I might even get warm enough to take my robe off and not sleep in it unlike last night.

12.07.2009

Underdeveloped?

I'm sitting here, studying for my health final, and those thoughts start creeping into my head again.  Thoughts of doubt.  Not doubts about the final, but doubts about my career choice.
Am I really cut out to be a photographer?
I've always loved taking pictures and have preferred to be behind the camera rather than in front of it.  I had my own little film camera when I was younger and loved to take pictures of everything.  Friends, animals, people, flowers, whatever I wanted to take pictures of.
All the stuff I know about photography is what I've learned on my own, mostly by trial and error.  When I got my first digital camera (Christmas 2005) I played around with it and read the manual to see how it worked.  I figured out the best way hold it, how to stay really still, when to use the flash and when not to use it, how to get the autofocus just the way I wanted it, etc.  I figured out stuff about backgrounds, colors, close-up shots, group shots, and so on.  I went through the same process when I bought a new camera January of this year.  This one takes better pictures with the flash off as opposed to my old camera and has more snazzy features.  These are just point-and-shoot cameras though.  They're not the really fancy kind that professionals use.  I've never used a fancy camera before.
What am I going to think about these photography classes?  Will I think they're really hard?  Will I understand what's going on?  How experienced will my classmates be?  Will they know more about photography than me?  What will my teacher be like?  If I'm not understanding something, will he take the time to explain it to me?  What kind of assignments will I have?
I took a drawing class one time, but other than that, I've never really taken an art class where you actually make art.  That was more of my sister's thing when we were growing up.  My art class the first semester of college was more about the history of art (it was online) and we didn't make anything.  How will I do on the assignments?  Will I be able to channel my creativity into the assignments and do a good job on them?  Or will I fail terribly and have to move on to a different career choice?
I suppose only time will tell what's going to happen.
God, please help me.

12.05.2009

a song in my head

My current obsession is Vitamin String Quartet.  They are phenomenal!!!
Here is their website.
You can listen to a lot of their albums on MySpace.
I am completely blown away by the skill of these musicians.
They've done hundreds of tribute albums.  Some of their tributes include Bob Dylan, The Beatles, Queen, Coldplay, Maroon5, Flyleaf, Casting Crowns, Billy Joel, Gwen Stefani, and so on and so forth.
Right now I'm listening to the Relient K tribute album.
I first heard about them on So You Think You Can Dance this week.  Not only do I watch the show for the dances, but also to find new and interesting music.  The dance company Legion of Extraordinary Dancers did a breathtaking routine to Vitamin's cover of the song Yellow by Coldplay.  The whole performance was so beautiful.  You can probably find it on YouTube somewhere.
Even if you're not a big fan of violin music, I guarantee you will find something by them that you'll like.

11.30.2009

Thanksgiving Break Hangover

Fact: Mondays are not my favorite.
Another Fact: I'm usually not very coherent or cordial in the mornings, especially if I have to get up early.
The Sad Truth: I have classes on Monday and Wednesday mornings and afternoons next semester, so I'll have to get over this hurdle somehow.
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Went shopping yesterday.  Got two shirts from the clearance rack at Target.

They were about $4 a piece.  My original intent was to find long sleeve shirts seeing as I own only one, maybe two.  But I guess I'm just not a long sleeve shirt person.  I can never find any that I like.  Suppose I'll just have to invest in some jackets to go over my many short sleeve shirts.
*Correction: The green shirt was $8 and the other was $4.*
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I am so not feeling motivated to do school today.  In my literature class I have three assignments and my final to do before I'm done.  In health I have to fill out a course evaluation and do the final to be done.  So really, I'm very close to being done.  I just need to make myself sit down and do the work.

11.24.2009

set me free

My short-term memory could use some help.  I'm always thinking of things I need to do, getting distracted by something else, then completely forgetting what I was about to do.  It's annoying.
My long-term memory is just fine though.  I can remember very well what happened last month, last year, or even longer ago than that.  I'm pretty proud of myself for being able to remember things so well.  But sometimes I wish I didn't have such a good long-term memory.  It's great for remembering the good things, but the bad things are remembered as well.  My mistakes, my mess-ups, my faults are remembered.  They sear my brain, almost burning a hole in it.  If I let them, the memories bring me down into a fog, and I'm not sure if I'll find my way out.
Mistakes involving other people are remembered the most... more specifically, mistakes involving guys are remembered the most...  I was naive, stupid, immature, ignorant, and let myself get carried away.  I see the situation so much clearer when I look back on it and I wonder why I didn't see it when it was happening.  I beat myself up about it.  I wish I didn't remember those things.  Yeah, I learned my lesson, can't I move on now?  Why can't I forget this shit?

11.23.2009

He's gone...

I received some sad news today.  :(
I work at a daycare.  So naturally, when you're in a job where you deal with the same kids every day, you become attached to them.  You may even develop a casual relationship with their parents.
Today I learned that one of my buddies won't be coming to daycare for a while.  (We'll call him "Jimmy" just for the sake of giving him a name and making the situation easier to talk about.)  Jimmy's mom was laid-off.  I don't know what she did or where she worked, but she had been there for nine years.  And now she has no job.
Jimmy is autistic and somewhat legally blind (he had eye surgery which helped but didn't completely fix it).  He is the sweetest ten year-old boy I know.  I helped him with his homework every day he was at daycare.  True, I help all the kids that have homework, but he needed a little more help than the others since he couldn't read small type very well and it took him a little longer to understand some things.  He loves animals and plays very well with little kids.  He's so sweet and fun to talk to.
Now he's gone and will be until his mom finds another job.
The last time I saw him was on Friday.
I don't know when or if I'll see him again.
:(

where i got this picture

11.22.2009

Changes

I'm home from the OAFC weekend.  It was amazing.  :)  I've uploaded all my pictures and tagged them.  My suitcase is sitting on my bed partially unpacked (I was looking for my phone charger).  Dirty clothes lie in a heap on the floor because my laundry basket is full of clean clothes waiting to be put away.  I'm sitting here at the computer anticipating the next possible time I get to see my friends (New Years) with my kitty snoozing happily on my lap.
And as I sit here reliving the weekend in my head, I'm kind of torn.  Torn between the two southern groups and the central group that I'm involved in.  Southern group #1 is not very consistent in regards to having a weekend each month.  Last year we had I think three or four weekends?  But the leader knows how to have fun.  Southern group #2 is very consistent about having a weekend every month.  But the downside to that group is that it's pretty strict.  The leaders keep a tight schedule, hardly allowing any time to take a breath and relax.  (I wish my Mom would stop coming in here; interrupting me and talking to me!)  The central group is kind of the best of the southern groups squished together.  They are very consistent about having weekends and the leaders know that the kids need to have some "goof off" time to burn off energy.  The kids in the central group are quite a bit younger than the kids in the southern groups, but I can deal with that.  There are a few people close to my age and the leaders know how to use me since I'm older than nearly all the youth.  The southern groups don't quite recognize me as an "adult leader" figure (which gets kind of annoying).  If I was able to choose between the groups without a guilty conscience, I'd probably pick the central group weekends over the southern ones.  But I'm in the southern district and therefore am somewhat obligated to attend those weekends.  (Crap.)  They need me.
Don't get me wrong.  OAFC is great wherever it is.  It's just that the many groups and states run their events a bit differently from each other.  They all do something different.  I learned that when I moved from Texas to Illinois.  But some groups just do it "better" than others.  They know how to handle the kids, how to schedule things, how to get people interested in OAFC and keep them coming back.
I e-mailed the leaders of southern group #2.  I told them the weekends are too rigid.  They need to be more relaxed.  The kids need to have fun.  If they don't have fun, they're not going to want to come back.  (I didn't put that last sentence in the e-mail, but it's true!)
So, I hope to see some changes in southern group #2 in the future.  I'm going to try to help make those changes happen.  If they don't and my leaders don't agree with me, I may have to jump ship... I can only handle so much structure before I feel restricted.


11.18.2009

It's late... or should I say "early"?

Don't you hate it when you get into a cycle of staying up late and sleeping in late?  Your days feel so short and unproductive.  And then when you try to go to bed early and break the cycle, you can't sleep, and possibly end up staying up even later than the night before.  *sigh*  That's what's happening to me.
I went ahead and took another decongestant and ate some food since I'm up.  This stuffed-up head is almost gone.  Thank goodness.  Coughing so much gives me a headache and make my tummy muscles hurt.  Not to mention all the nose-blowing turns my nose red.  The coughing is part of the reason I'm having trouble sleeping.  That, and not being able to breathe freely through my nose.  Stupid stuffiness.  Can't wait for it to be completely gone.
Last week I got the strange urge to put up the Christmas tree... which is weird.  For me at least.  I'm one of those people that gets annoyed when Christmas is the next thing on everyone's minds right after Halloween.  I mean, hello!!  There's another holiday between Halloween and Christmas!  It's called "Thanksgiving".  During the week before Thanksgiving is perfectly acceptable to start thinking about Christmas.  We usually put up our Christmas tree on Thanksgiving or the day after.  But for some reason, I'm doubly excited this year or something.  I actually can't wait for Christmas music to be played on the radio!  I usually get sick of it about halfway through December, but maybe this year will be different!
The green sheets on my bed make me happy.  :)  I found them in the big drawer downstairs.  I think they used to be my sister's.  They go nicely with the white and brown blanket I have on top of my bed.  I'm thinking of making a new pillowcase that will nicely contrast with the sheets.  I'll have to wait until I'm done with my ornament project though.  I'm making fabric star ornaments for all of my family.  I can't wait to see how they turn out!
Ick, I need a shower... I'm sure you wanted to know that.  I'll take one in the morning.
I can't wait for my hair to grow out and be long again.  I got it cut towards the end of August.  Three inches off and some side-swept bangs cut in.  It was on top of my shoulders after the haircut.  It's grown out quite a bit since then (my hair grows pretty fast) but it's not to the length it was before.  I am totally jealous of Cote de Pablo's hair.  It's so pretty and long.  Yeah, I'm sure that she has a whole team to work on her to make her look the way she does, but still, I'm jealous.  My plan is to grow out my bangs and have my hair be all the same length but still have some layers cut in to deal with the thickness and frizz.  Every time I get bangs cut in, I get annoyed with them and can't wait for them to grow out.  I need to keep reminding myself to not get bangs when I get my hair cut.
Wow, I just read through this and found a lot of typos.  I believe it's time to try to sleep again.

11.14.2009

Five Years

In the midst of getting wrapped up in the To Write Love On Her Arms event, I nearly forgot the anniversary of our move from Texas to Illinois.  Five years ago on the 13th of November we made that emotionally draining and mentally stressful move.  I was fourteen, awkward, and shy.  I felt like my world was being torn apart.  Part of me was excited about going to a new place, but the other part was terribly scared to leave behind all the friends I grew up with and the familiar places I wouldn't get to see again until who knows when.  I still haven't made it back "home" for a visit.  It wouldn't be the same.  So many things have changed.  I've changed.  My friends have change.  The small town I grew up in has changed.  The mission church we were part of has their own building now.  They dedicated it earlier this year.  My parents went to the dedication, but I didn't go.  I didn't want to miss school.
It was tough to move to a new place after living in the same one for fourteen years.  Making friends was hard.  Especially since there wasn't a huge homeschool group for us kids to go to like we had back in Texas.  Nearly all my friends in Texas I had grown up with.  It was one of those things where your mom would invite families over that had kids your age and you'd play together because that was just what you did.  After we moved, I didn't really know how to "start over" making friends.  These kids were different.  They went to public school.  They still had friends that they had grown up with.  I had never been the "new kid" before.  The kids in youth group weren't very open or welcoming.  No one really talked to me or my sister.  After my sister went to college, I stuck out youth group for a little longer to see if it would change.  But it didn't.  So I abandoned the youth group and started going to the adult Bible class with my parents instead.  It wasn't until I got involved with the local OAFC group that I really started to feel comfortable and make friends.  I dearly love my friends back in Texas, my friends in Illinois, and all the out-of-state friends I have through OAFC.
Moving was hard.  Extremely hard.  I was depressed and closed myself off to everyone for a while.  But it was a growing experience.  I definitely matured through that hard time.  I learned a lot about myself.  Things I didn't know before.  (That sounds a bit redundant... oh well.)  I sometimes wonder where I would be and what I would be doing now if we had stayed in Texas.  It's an interesting thing to think about.  But I am happy where I am.  Yes, the weather might not always be the best.  I hate the cold.  I miss the heat.  I'm content with my life though.  I wouldn't have it any other way.  And I can't wait to see what else God has in store for me down the road.



If we were still in Texas, I doubt we'd be able to have our lovely horses.  Or live in such a gorgeous place.  I mean, look at the scenery!

11.12.2009

To Write Love On Her Arms

It's tomorrow.  Don't forget!!!




http://www.twloha.com/vision/


11.10.2009

That one friend...

You know that one certain friend you have?  The one that's outside your regular social circles?  The one you can talk to about certain people because she doesn't know them and doesn't talk to them?  Maybe you don't have a friend like that and are totally lost right now trying to understand what I'm talking about, but I'll continue anyways.
You share a few mutual acquaintances with her, but you talk more to her than those other people.  Y'all two might not get to see each other very often, but somehow you feel closer to her than to people you've known longer than you've known her.  You can tell her about your secret insecurities and worries because you know she has them too.  You talk about school, liking guys, marriage, jobs, religion, cults, family, friends, and everything else.  You can talk freely with each other about God and faith and witnessing to others.  You share an aversion to phone conversations, but somehow can spend hours chatting with each other over the phone.  You both have the same kind of "social awkwardness" in certain situations.  You both like to be around people, but also treasure time to yourself.  You're both artistic in your own unique ways.  You have so much in common, but at the same time are different from each other.
I have a friend like this.  She is so special to me and I don't know what I'd do without her.



11.08.2009

Weekend Happiness

The OAFC weekend in Golconda was great.  I was so conflicted about whether to go or not, but it was all a whole bunch of worry for nothing.  It was so nice being there with everyone.  I feel so much better now after going to the weekend.  It was just the pick-me-up that I needed.
Pastor Fritsche's installation this afternoon was amazing!  I've never seen so many pastors in one place before!  During the closing hymn, all the pastors did this alternate harmony part and it was so beautiful!  I loved hearing all the different Bible verses and other encouraging words being read to Pastor Fritsche by all the other pastors.  It was so cool!
So, even though my weekend involved a lot of time spent in the car and not as much sleep as was needed, it was still an amazing and fulfilling weekend.  I loved every minute of it. :)

11.06.2009

No Subject

I'm going to Golconda this weekend.  Not really looking forward to the long drive (three hours there, three hours back) but I guess it'll be worth it when I get there.  If I wasn't going to be by myself during the drive, that would make it more bearable.  But oh well.  I've driven that way before, so I shouldn't get lost... you'd think that anyways. lol I should be fine.  At least next time (when I go to Petersburg) the drive is only a little over an hour.  Much more manageable.  Plus, I've been to Petersburg before, so again, if I'm driving by myself, then I shouldn't get lost.  I still have to pack. *rolls eyes*  If I would spend less time thinking about things and just do them life would be a lot easier.
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It seems kind of ironic how I deleted my MySpace and then made an account on here.  It's like I traded one online profile for another.  I hardly ever used my MySpace though.  It's been sitting pretty much dormant for the past year or two.  And I think just about everyone that I was "friends" with on there are also on my Facebook, so it's all good.  I can still keep in touch with everyone.
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Not sure what I should pack for this weekend... the weather is supposedly going to be in the 70's, but I find that hard to believe... The thing I'm most conflicted about is what to pack for church.  My summer dresses wouldn't be appropriate since it's November, but my winter dresses might be too warm to wear if the weather really is going to be in the 70's.  I'll figure it out eventually.
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The boys get out of school early today.  They should be home some time after 12:00.  Sometimes I wonder how much school stuff they actually get done in public schools.  They get out early or have days off for so many things.  Teacher conferences, holidays, snow days, etc.
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There's these plants in glasses sitting on the kitchen windowsill.  I don't know what kind they are, but the sun was shining through the glasses and all the roots and I thought it looked really neat.  So, of course, I took pictures of it. :)




11.03.2009

Coming to terms with myself...

I'm not analytical. I'm not scientific. I'm not calculating. I'm not mathematical. I'm not the stereotypical "super smart homeschooler". I'm not a fact-memorizing machine. I'm not a "nerd" or a "geek". I'm not rational.
These are things about myself that I am coming to realize and accept. But if I am not these things, then what am I?
I am myself. And I am the best myself there will ever be.
Oh, and by the way, I'm starting photography classes in the spring. :)

11.02.2009

The Freak Out

Why do I freak out? Am I, like, chemically wired to freak out about stuff?
Tomorrow, Tuesday, I have an appointment with an academic advisor at school to discuss classes in the spring. My main concern is whether or not I can afford to go to school next semester. That's what I want to figure out first. I bought a vehicle from my parents a couple months ago, so my bank account is sadly lacking funds. I don't know if I can afford tuition AND books for next semester. It scares me. I don't like uncertainty.
If I can't afford school next semester, then my plan is to work more hours at my job or find a second job. I don't know if I'd be able to work more hours where I already am because we've been having to cut shifts short due to low numbers. I'm kind of wondering how easy it would be to find a second or different job too since they probably aren't very abundant right now. Maybe I can find some kind of babysitting or cleaning job somewhere. Last time I started praying for a job (either babysitting or house cleaning) God plopped my current job in my lap and told me to go for it. At first I was freaked out about it and didn't want to do it because it wasn't what I was expecting, but I eventually accepted it and I really do love my job. It's' become kind of boring after working there for two years, but still, it's a job.
I wish I didn't freak out about stuff. It's not fun. I close myself off to people, I become grumpy and crabby, not wanting any outside help. It sucks. I wish I didn't act that way, but I haven't found a way around it yet.
I hope my advisor appointment goes well tomorrow. I hope I don't, like, break down crying or something. That would be really embarrassing. I've done that once before at school during my first semester and it was terribly embarrassing. I don't want a repeat of that experience. I need to just stay calm and professional and handle myself as an adult. I know my questions and what answers I need. Perhaps I should treat this like an interview for a job. Be all business-like and whatnot. Be professional. I think that's what I'll do. I'll try to be as adult and professional about it as possible.
Crap. I hate making big decisions. I don't like having to make decisions about my life. It's too stressful. I thought I was supposed to let God control my life. But then again, it's not like He can just stand by me the entire time and tell me what to do. I do need to learn to make decisions on my own. Still follow God's law of course, make decisions that please Him and that help me reflect Him to everyone around me. I just wish school and work and life in general weren't so complicated.
I remember when all I wanted to be was a wife and mom. I still aspire to achieve that someday, but my parents tell me I need to have some kind of education to fall back on so I can have a job. Neither of my parents really went to college, so I think that's why they're pushing me so hard to get some kind of schooling done. Well, maybe that's just something they're going to have to deal with. I inherited their genes, and maybe those genes include not going to college right away.
I've been thinking lately that I should've taken a year off after high school before starting college. To help myself figure out what I want to do. I've already spent I don't know how much money on classes towards a degree that I'm not getting any more. Instead of wasting that money on those classes I should taken a break and figured out my life some more instead of jumping right into college. Of course, if it wasn't for my art teacher my first semester, I wouldn't have known about the photography program at school and wouldn't be wanting to get into it now. So I guess those mistakes have some merit to them.
I hope I can see everything much clearer after my appointment tomorrow. I really hope this helps clear my head about all this school and life stuff. I don't like freaking out and being uncertain. It's not fun at all.

10.30.2009

Dressing Up and Eating Candy

I carved an alien into my pumpkin












I think it turned out pretty well. :-) It's been forever since my family has carved pumpkins. It was really fun to do it again after so long.
I'm kind of wondering if I'm "too old" to dress up for Halloween. I might help out a friend of the family when she takes their kids out trick-or-treating or to a parade. I'm planning on dressing up for it, but I'm not sure if it's still deemed "appropriate" for a nineteen year-old to dress up for Halloween. There isn't a certain rule book or anything about this kind of stuff. I guess it just depends on personal judgment.
Whether it's appropriate or not, I think I'll always be a kid at heart and love getting to dress up and eat candy at least once a year. It's just too much fun to give up!!

10.24.2009

Alas and Alack


I have a new favorite movie: Miss Pettigrew Lives For A Day. It's such a sweet, lovely story. The acting is delightful, the costumes authentic, and I could listen to the soundtrack all day. I do not have very many favorite chick flicks, but this one makes the list. :-)
Ah, and this movie makes me wonder, why must life be so complicated?? This story is set in 1939 London, and the struggles the characters have to deal with are so complicated. But when I compare it to present day, things seem to be even more complicated now.
*sigh*
Hardly any things in life are simple nowadays. Everything is connected to everything and you can't have one thing without having another first. To get a good job, you have to go to school. To have a place of your own, you must be able to support yourself with said good job. Having a job may even play into whether or not one gets married. And once again, money is needed for one to possess a vehicle.
Going back to the marriage thing, I sometimes wonder if I will ever get married. I was in a not so great relationship in high school, my first and only relationship so far, and I fear is has vastly influenced how I deal with men. I don't know what a "normal" relationship is like. How it's supposed to work and all that. This year I've messed up two opportunities, but there wasn't much chance for either of them since both boys were going away in the fall, one to the Navy and the other to college. Neither of them were right for me either. They were both nearly opposites of me in different ways.
I'm working on remedying my actions and reworking my approach though. My good friend tells me that I'm "too nice" when it comes to handling guys, and that's why I've encountered so many "creeps" as we call them. Guys that are #1 Blatant flirts, #2 Have serious problems, and #3 Are opposites of me/No good for me. Most of the guys I've encountered fall into all three of these categories, except for one, he was just an opposite, but not a blatant flirt and he didn't have problems.
A month or two ago I realized that only one of my male acquaintances (a different guy than the one referred to as being only an opposite) has any real class at all. I told him such when I was at his going away party before he left for college. Well, I didn't actually tell him, but I wrote it in the guestbook thing that his mother was asking everyone to write nice messages in. I told him that he's really the only guy friend of mine that has class. Perhaps if we had met sooner or talked more or he hadn't gone away to college we could've gotten to know each other better and become closer friends. But alas, the world is complicated, and people must go to college. Long distance relationships are terribly hard anyways. I've learned my lesson about those and doubt I will ever enter another such arrangement.
Well, it's late, there's church in the morning, and I still have to write in my prayer journal. Perhaps I should write in there before here so that I have more to tell Him when I write. Typing is so much easier though than writing. But I must keep up on the writing. It's good to write a lot, to improve penmanship, and having a continuous communication line with God is nice. Helps me think clearly.

Am I...

Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me. Like, if I have some kind of mental disorder or something.
Eye contact really makes me uncomfortable. I don't like looking people in the eye. So I usually end up looking at the wall or the floor or whatever when I'm talking to people. I know that's not very good for communication, but eye contact bugs me.
Certain things overwhelm or scare me. Like, making decisions about college. If there's a lot of school assignments due close together, I get overwhelmed and start panicking. Decisions involving money scare me too. Money is such a big deal. I don't like it.
Change is hard to deal with. Especially if I'm the person that has to decide the change. It's easier to deal with if someone else makes the change. But if it's up to me, I have a terrible time making that decision, that change.
I don't know if they're full-on panic attacks that I have when I'm overwhelmed. It's like, my brain shuts down, I don't want to think about whatever it is that's upsetting me, I start crying, and just don't want to deal with the issue. Is that a panic attack? Or just a natural instinct mechanism that kicks in to avoid stressful situations?
I'm very picky about clothes. About how they fit, how they feel. I prefer clothes that fit close to the body. I have to be totally comfortable in my clothing or I won't wear them.
Some things I have to have neatly organized and others I don't. The books on my shelves are organized by type, but my school books sit in a stack on the floor. My shirts, dresses, and other apparel are either organized into sections on hangers or have their respective drawers to reside in. But my shoes are in no particular order on my rack, and I often leave them laying around my room. My desk and dresser drawers are somewhat organized, but the top of my desk is complete chaos, but I still know where everything is.
I like to think of myself as being artistic, but about some things I'm so anal and calculating and a thinker. Some things I do on impulse, others I have to think about for a while. I think my room definitely reflects this. The walls are brown, neutral, "boring". There's artwork on about half the walls, while the others remain plain and simple. I'm at an impasse. I don't know what kind of person I am. Am I artistic? Am I calculating? Am I impulsive? Am I a thinker?

10.22.2009

Do I take the plunge?

I really have no direction in my life right now. No plan of what to do or who I'm going to be. Is that so bad?
So many other kids my age are nearly halfway through their second year of college right now. They're on their way to being what they want to be. They know what they want to do. They have a plan. They're enjoying school and the journey to their future careers.
But how many of those kids are up to their eyeballs in debt? Getting into debt scares me. I'm the kind of person that pays for everything with cash. Giving loans and taking loans is not appealing to me. The idea of owing someone money or having someone owe me money is scary.
I have dreams and aspirations that I want to achieve. Most of those require going to college, which can be insanely expensive. Do I just have to love my dreams enough to risk going into debt chasing them? Do I just need to take the plunge and go for it?