Dressing Up and Eating Candy

I carved an alien into my pumpkin

I think it turned out pretty well. :-) It's been forever since my family has carved pumpkins. It was really fun to do it again after so long.
I'm kind of wondering if I'm "too old" to dress up for Halloween. I might help out a friend of the family when she takes their kids out trick-or-treating or to a parade. I'm planning on dressing up for it, but I'm not sure if it's still deemed "appropriate" for a nineteen year-old to dress up for Halloween. There isn't a certain rule book or anything about this kind of stuff. I guess it just depends on personal judgment.
Whether it's appropriate or not, I think I'll always be a kid at heart and love getting to dress up and eat candy at least once a year. It's just too much fun to give up!!


Alas and Alack

I have a new favorite movie: Miss Pettigrew Lives For A Day. It's such a sweet, lovely story. The acting is delightful, the costumes authentic, and I could listen to the soundtrack all day. I do not have very many favorite chick flicks, but this one makes the list. :-)
Ah, and this movie makes me wonder, why must life be so complicated?? This story is set in 1939 London, and the struggles the characters have to deal with are so complicated. But when I compare it to present day, things seem to be even more complicated now.
Hardly any things in life are simple nowadays. Everything is connected to everything and you can't have one thing without having another first. To get a good job, you have to go to school. To have a place of your own, you must be able to support yourself with said good job. Having a job may even play into whether or not one gets married. And once again, money is needed for one to possess a vehicle.
Going back to the marriage thing, I sometimes wonder if I will ever get married. I was in a not so great relationship in high school, my first and only relationship so far, and I fear is has vastly influenced how I deal with men. I don't know what a "normal" relationship is like. How it's supposed to work and all that. This year I've messed up two opportunities, but there wasn't much chance for either of them since both boys were going away in the fall, one to the Navy and the other to college. Neither of them were right for me either. They were both nearly opposites of me in different ways.
I'm working on remedying my actions and reworking my approach though. My good friend tells me that I'm "too nice" when it comes to handling guys, and that's why I've encountered so many "creeps" as we call them. Guys that are #1 Blatant flirts, #2 Have serious problems, and #3 Are opposites of me/No good for me. Most of the guys I've encountered fall into all three of these categories, except for one, he was just an opposite, but not a blatant flirt and he didn't have problems.
A month or two ago I realized that only one of my male acquaintances (a different guy than the one referred to as being only an opposite) has any real class at all. I told him such when I was at his going away party before he left for college. Well, I didn't actually tell him, but I wrote it in the guestbook thing that his mother was asking everyone to write nice messages in. I told him that he's really the only guy friend of mine that has class. Perhaps if we had met sooner or talked more or he hadn't gone away to college we could've gotten to know each other better and become closer friends. But alas, the world is complicated, and people must go to college. Long distance relationships are terribly hard anyways. I've learned my lesson about those and doubt I will ever enter another such arrangement.
Well, it's late, there's church in the morning, and I still have to write in my prayer journal. Perhaps I should write in there before here so that I have more to tell Him when I write. Typing is so much easier though than writing. But I must keep up on the writing. It's good to write a lot, to improve penmanship, and having a continuous communication line with God is nice. Helps me think clearly.

Am I...

Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me. Like, if I have some kind of mental disorder or something.
Eye contact really makes me uncomfortable. I don't like looking people in the eye. So I usually end up looking at the wall or the floor or whatever when I'm talking to people. I know that's not very good for communication, but eye contact bugs me.
Certain things overwhelm or scare me. Like, making decisions about college. If there's a lot of school assignments due close together, I get overwhelmed and start panicking. Decisions involving money scare me too. Money is such a big deal. I don't like it.
Change is hard to deal with. Especially if I'm the person that has to decide the change. It's easier to deal with if someone else makes the change. But if it's up to me, I have a terrible time making that decision, that change.
I don't know if they're full-on panic attacks that I have when I'm overwhelmed. It's like, my brain shuts down, I don't want to think about whatever it is that's upsetting me, I start crying, and just don't want to deal with the issue. Is that a panic attack? Or just a natural instinct mechanism that kicks in to avoid stressful situations?
I'm very picky about clothes. About how they fit, how they feel. I prefer clothes that fit close to the body. I have to be totally comfortable in my clothing or I won't wear them.
Some things I have to have neatly organized and others I don't. The books on my shelves are organized by type, but my school books sit in a stack on the floor. My shirts, dresses, and other apparel are either organized into sections on hangers or have their respective drawers to reside in. But my shoes are in no particular order on my rack, and I often leave them laying around my room. My desk and dresser drawers are somewhat organized, but the top of my desk is complete chaos, but I still know where everything is.
I like to think of myself as being artistic, but about some things I'm so anal and calculating and a thinker. Some things I do on impulse, others I have to think about for a while. I think my room definitely reflects this. The walls are brown, neutral, "boring". There's artwork on about half the walls, while the others remain plain and simple. I'm at an impasse. I don't know what kind of person I am. Am I artistic? Am I calculating? Am I impulsive? Am I a thinker?


Do I take the plunge?

I really have no direction in my life right now. No plan of what to do or who I'm going to be. Is that so bad?
So many other kids my age are nearly halfway through their second year of college right now. They're on their way to being what they want to be. They know what they want to do. They have a plan. They're enjoying school and the journey to their future careers.
But how many of those kids are up to their eyeballs in debt? Getting into debt scares me. I'm the kind of person that pays for everything with cash. Giving loans and taking loans is not appealing to me. The idea of owing someone money or having someone owe me money is scary.
I have dreams and aspirations that I want to achieve. Most of those require going to college, which can be insanely expensive. Do I just have to love my dreams enough to risk going into debt chasing them? Do I just need to take the plunge and go for it?