Thanksgiving Break Hangover

Fact: Mondays are not my favorite.
Another Fact: I'm usually not very coherent or cordial in the mornings, especially if I have to get up early.
The Sad Truth: I have classes on Monday and Wednesday mornings and afternoons next semester, so I'll have to get over this hurdle somehow.
Went shopping yesterday.  Got two shirts from the clearance rack at Target.

They were about $4 a piece.  My original intent was to find long sleeve shirts seeing as I own only one, maybe two.  But I guess I'm just not a long sleeve shirt person.  I can never find any that I like.  Suppose I'll just have to invest in some jackets to go over my many short sleeve shirts.
*Correction: The green shirt was $8 and the other was $4.*
I am so not feeling motivated to do school today.  In my literature class I have three assignments and my final to do before I'm done.  In health I have to fill out a course evaluation and do the final to be done.  So really, I'm very close to being done.  I just need to make myself sit down and do the work.


set me free

My short-term memory could use some help.  I'm always thinking of things I need to do, getting distracted by something else, then completely forgetting what I was about to do.  It's annoying.
My long-term memory is just fine though.  I can remember very well what happened last month, last year, or even longer ago than that.  I'm pretty proud of myself for being able to remember things so well.  But sometimes I wish I didn't have such a good long-term memory.  It's great for remembering the good things, but the bad things are remembered as well.  My mistakes, my mess-ups, my faults are remembered.  They sear my brain, almost burning a hole in it.  If I let them, the memories bring me down into a fog, and I'm not sure if I'll find my way out.
Mistakes involving other people are remembered the most... more specifically, mistakes involving guys are remembered the most...  I was naive, stupid, immature, ignorant, and let myself get carried away.  I see the situation so much clearer when I look back on it and I wonder why I didn't see it when it was happening.  I beat myself up about it.  I wish I didn't remember those things.  Yeah, I learned my lesson, can't I move on now?  Why can't I forget this shit?


He's gone...

I received some sad news today.  :(
I work at a daycare.  So naturally, when you're in a job where you deal with the same kids every day, you become attached to them.  You may even develop a casual relationship with their parents.
Today I learned that one of my buddies won't be coming to daycare for a while.  (We'll call him "Jimmy" just for the sake of giving him a name and making the situation easier to talk about.)  Jimmy's mom was laid-off.  I don't know what she did or where she worked, but she had been there for nine years.  And now she has no job.
Jimmy is autistic and somewhat legally blind (he had eye surgery which helped but didn't completely fix it).  He is the sweetest ten year-old boy I know.  I helped him with his homework every day he was at daycare.  True, I help all the kids that have homework, but he needed a little more help than the others since he couldn't read small type very well and it took him a little longer to understand some things.  He loves animals and plays very well with little kids.  He's so sweet and fun to talk to.
Now he's gone and will be until his mom finds another job.
The last time I saw him was on Friday.
I don't know when or if I'll see him again.

where i got this picture



I'm home from the OAFC weekend.  It was amazing.  :)  I've uploaded all my pictures and tagged them.  My suitcase is sitting on my bed partially unpacked (I was looking for my phone charger).  Dirty clothes lie in a heap on the floor because my laundry basket is full of clean clothes waiting to be put away.  I'm sitting here at the computer anticipating the next possible time I get to see my friends (New Years) with my kitty snoozing happily on my lap.
And as I sit here reliving the weekend in my head, I'm kind of torn.  Torn between the two southern groups and the central group that I'm involved in.  Southern group #1 is not very consistent in regards to having a weekend each month.  Last year we had I think three or four weekends?  But the leader knows how to have fun.  Southern group #2 is very consistent about having a weekend every month.  But the downside to that group is that it's pretty strict.  The leaders keep a tight schedule, hardly allowing any time to take a breath and relax.  (I wish my Mom would stop coming in here; interrupting me and talking to me!)  The central group is kind of the best of the southern groups squished together.  They are very consistent about having weekends and the leaders know that the kids need to have some "goof off" time to burn off energy.  The kids in the central group are quite a bit younger than the kids in the southern groups, but I can deal with that.  There are a few people close to my age and the leaders know how to use me since I'm older than nearly all the youth.  The southern groups don't quite recognize me as an "adult leader" figure (which gets kind of annoying).  If I was able to choose between the groups without a guilty conscience, I'd probably pick the central group weekends over the southern ones.  But I'm in the southern district and therefore am somewhat obligated to attend those weekends.  (Crap.)  They need me.
Don't get me wrong.  OAFC is great wherever it is.  It's just that the many groups and states run their events a bit differently from each other.  They all do something different.  I learned that when I moved from Texas to Illinois.  But some groups just do it "better" than others.  They know how to handle the kids, how to schedule things, how to get people interested in OAFC and keep them coming back.
I e-mailed the leaders of southern group #2.  I told them the weekends are too rigid.  They need to be more relaxed.  The kids need to have fun.  If they don't have fun, they're not going to want to come back.  (I didn't put that last sentence in the e-mail, but it's true!)
So, I hope to see some changes in southern group #2 in the future.  I'm going to try to help make those changes happen.  If they don't and my leaders don't agree with me, I may have to jump ship... I can only handle so much structure before I feel restricted.


It's late... or should I say "early"?

Don't you hate it when you get into a cycle of staying up late and sleeping in late?  Your days feel so short and unproductive.  And then when you try to go to bed early and break the cycle, you can't sleep, and possibly end up staying up even later than the night before.  *sigh*  That's what's happening to me.
I went ahead and took another decongestant and ate some food since I'm up.  This stuffed-up head is almost gone.  Thank goodness.  Coughing so much gives me a headache and make my tummy muscles hurt.  Not to mention all the nose-blowing turns my nose red.  The coughing is part of the reason I'm having trouble sleeping.  That, and not being able to breathe freely through my nose.  Stupid stuffiness.  Can't wait for it to be completely gone.
Last week I got the strange urge to put up the Christmas tree... which is weird.  For me at least.  I'm one of those people that gets annoyed when Christmas is the next thing on everyone's minds right after Halloween.  I mean, hello!!  There's another holiday between Halloween and Christmas!  It's called "Thanksgiving".  During the week before Thanksgiving is perfectly acceptable to start thinking about Christmas.  We usually put up our Christmas tree on Thanksgiving or the day after.  But for some reason, I'm doubly excited this year or something.  I actually can't wait for Christmas music to be played on the radio!  I usually get sick of it about halfway through December, but maybe this year will be different!
The green sheets on my bed make me happy.  :)  I found them in the big drawer downstairs.  I think they used to be my sister's.  They go nicely with the white and brown blanket I have on top of my bed.  I'm thinking of making a new pillowcase that will nicely contrast with the sheets.  I'll have to wait until I'm done with my ornament project though.  I'm making fabric star ornaments for all of my family.  I can't wait to see how they turn out!
Ick, I need a shower... I'm sure you wanted to know that.  I'll take one in the morning.
I can't wait for my hair to grow out and be long again.  I got it cut towards the end of August.  Three inches off and some side-swept bangs cut in.  It was on top of my shoulders after the haircut.  It's grown out quite a bit since then (my hair grows pretty fast) but it's not to the length it was before.  I am totally jealous of Cote de Pablo's hair.  It's so pretty and long.  Yeah, I'm sure that she has a whole team to work on her to make her look the way she does, but still, I'm jealous.  My plan is to grow out my bangs and have my hair be all the same length but still have some layers cut in to deal with the thickness and frizz.  Every time I get bangs cut in, I get annoyed with them and can't wait for them to grow out.  I need to keep reminding myself to not get bangs when I get my hair cut.
Wow, I just read through this and found a lot of typos.  I believe it's time to try to sleep again.


Five Years

In the midst of getting wrapped up in the To Write Love On Her Arms event, I nearly forgot the anniversary of our move from Texas to Illinois.  Five years ago on the 13th of November we made that emotionally draining and mentally stressful move.  I was fourteen, awkward, and shy.  I felt like my world was being torn apart.  Part of me was excited about going to a new place, but the other part was terribly scared to leave behind all the friends I grew up with and the familiar places I wouldn't get to see again until who knows when.  I still haven't made it back "home" for a visit.  It wouldn't be the same.  So many things have changed.  I've changed.  My friends have change.  The small town I grew up in has changed.  The mission church we were part of has their own building now.  They dedicated it earlier this year.  My parents went to the dedication, but I didn't go.  I didn't want to miss school.
It was tough to move to a new place after living in the same one for fourteen years.  Making friends was hard.  Especially since there wasn't a huge homeschool group for us kids to go to like we had back in Texas.  Nearly all my friends in Texas I had grown up with.  It was one of those things where your mom would invite families over that had kids your age and you'd play together because that was just what you did.  After we moved, I didn't really know how to "start over" making friends.  These kids were different.  They went to public school.  They still had friends that they had grown up with.  I had never been the "new kid" before.  The kids in youth group weren't very open or welcoming.  No one really talked to me or my sister.  After my sister went to college, I stuck out youth group for a little longer to see if it would change.  But it didn't.  So I abandoned the youth group and started going to the adult Bible class with my parents instead.  It wasn't until I got involved with the local OAFC group that I really started to feel comfortable and make friends.  I dearly love my friends back in Texas, my friends in Illinois, and all the out-of-state friends I have through OAFC.
Moving was hard.  Extremely hard.  I was depressed and closed myself off to everyone for a while.  But it was a growing experience.  I definitely matured through that hard time.  I learned a lot about myself.  Things I didn't know before.  (That sounds a bit redundant... oh well.)  I sometimes wonder where I would be and what I would be doing now if we had stayed in Texas.  It's an interesting thing to think about.  But I am happy where I am.  Yes, the weather might not always be the best.  I hate the cold.  I miss the heat.  I'm content with my life though.  I wouldn't have it any other way.  And I can't wait to see what else God has in store for me down the road.

If we were still in Texas, I doubt we'd be able to have our lovely horses.  Or live in such a gorgeous place.  I mean, look at the scenery!


To Write Love On Her Arms

It's tomorrow.  Don't forget!!!



That one friend...

You know that one certain friend you have?  The one that's outside your regular social circles?  The one you can talk to about certain people because she doesn't know them and doesn't talk to them?  Maybe you don't have a friend like that and are totally lost right now trying to understand what I'm talking about, but I'll continue anyways.
You share a few mutual acquaintances with her, but you talk more to her than those other people.  Y'all two might not get to see each other very often, but somehow you feel closer to her than to people you've known longer than you've known her.  You can tell her about your secret insecurities and worries because you know she has them too.  You talk about school, liking guys, marriage, jobs, religion, cults, family, friends, and everything else.  You can talk freely with each other about God and faith and witnessing to others.  You share an aversion to phone conversations, but somehow can spend hours chatting with each other over the phone.  You both have the same kind of "social awkwardness" in certain situations.  You both like to be around people, but also treasure time to yourself.  You're both artistic in your own unique ways.  You have so much in common, but at the same time are different from each other.
I have a friend like this.  She is so special to me and I don't know what I'd do without her.


Weekend Happiness

The OAFC weekend in Golconda was great.  I was so conflicted about whether to go or not, but it was all a whole bunch of worry for nothing.  It was so nice being there with everyone.  I feel so much better now after going to the weekend.  It was just the pick-me-up that I needed.
Pastor Fritsche's installation this afternoon was amazing!  I've never seen so many pastors in one place before!  During the closing hymn, all the pastors did this alternate harmony part and it was so beautiful!  I loved hearing all the different Bible verses and other encouraging words being read to Pastor Fritsche by all the other pastors.  It was so cool!
So, even though my weekend involved a lot of time spent in the car and not as much sleep as was needed, it was still an amazing and fulfilling weekend.  I loved every minute of it. :)


No Subject

I'm going to Golconda this weekend.  Not really looking forward to the long drive (three hours there, three hours back) but I guess it'll be worth it when I get there.  If I wasn't going to be by myself during the drive, that would make it more bearable.  But oh well.  I've driven that way before, so I shouldn't get lost... you'd think that anyways. lol I should be fine.  At least next time (when I go to Petersburg) the drive is only a little over an hour.  Much more manageable.  Plus, I've been to Petersburg before, so again, if I'm driving by myself, then I shouldn't get lost.  I still have to pack. *rolls eyes*  If I would spend less time thinking about things and just do them life would be a lot easier.
It seems kind of ironic how I deleted my MySpace and then made an account on here.  It's like I traded one online profile for another.  I hardly ever used my MySpace though.  It's been sitting pretty much dormant for the past year or two.  And I think just about everyone that I was "friends" with on there are also on my Facebook, so it's all good.  I can still keep in touch with everyone.
Not sure what I should pack for this weekend... the weather is supposedly going to be in the 70's, but I find that hard to believe... The thing I'm most conflicted about is what to pack for church.  My summer dresses wouldn't be appropriate since it's November, but my winter dresses might be too warm to wear if the weather really is going to be in the 70's.  I'll figure it out eventually.
The boys get out of school early today.  They should be home some time after 12:00.  Sometimes I wonder how much school stuff they actually get done in public schools.  They get out early or have days off for so many things.  Teacher conferences, holidays, snow days, etc.
There's these plants in glasses sitting on the kitchen windowsill.  I don't know what kind they are, but the sun was shining through the glasses and all the roots and I thought it looked really neat.  So, of course, I took pictures of it. :)


Coming to terms with myself...

I'm not analytical. I'm not scientific. I'm not calculating. I'm not mathematical. I'm not the stereotypical "super smart homeschooler". I'm not a fact-memorizing machine. I'm not a "nerd" or a "geek". I'm not rational.
These are things about myself that I am coming to realize and accept. But if I am not these things, then what am I?
I am myself. And I am the best myself there will ever be.
Oh, and by the way, I'm starting photography classes in the spring. :)


The Freak Out

Why do I freak out? Am I, like, chemically wired to freak out about stuff?
Tomorrow, Tuesday, I have an appointment with an academic advisor at school to discuss classes in the spring. My main concern is whether or not I can afford to go to school next semester. That's what I want to figure out first. I bought a vehicle from my parents a couple months ago, so my bank account is sadly lacking funds. I don't know if I can afford tuition AND books for next semester. It scares me. I don't like uncertainty.
If I can't afford school next semester, then my plan is to work more hours at my job or find a second job. I don't know if I'd be able to work more hours where I already am because we've been having to cut shifts short due to low numbers. I'm kind of wondering how easy it would be to find a second or different job too since they probably aren't very abundant right now. Maybe I can find some kind of babysitting or cleaning job somewhere. Last time I started praying for a job (either babysitting or house cleaning) God plopped my current job in my lap and told me to go for it. At first I was freaked out about it and didn't want to do it because it wasn't what I was expecting, but I eventually accepted it and I really do love my job. It's' become kind of boring after working there for two years, but still, it's a job.
I wish I didn't freak out about stuff. It's not fun. I close myself off to people, I become grumpy and crabby, not wanting any outside help. It sucks. I wish I didn't act that way, but I haven't found a way around it yet.
I hope my advisor appointment goes well tomorrow. I hope I don't, like, break down crying or something. That would be really embarrassing. I've done that once before at school during my first semester and it was terribly embarrassing. I don't want a repeat of that experience. I need to just stay calm and professional and handle myself as an adult. I know my questions and what answers I need. Perhaps I should treat this like an interview for a job. Be all business-like and whatnot. Be professional. I think that's what I'll do. I'll try to be as adult and professional about it as possible.
Crap. I hate making big decisions. I don't like having to make decisions about my life. It's too stressful. I thought I was supposed to let God control my life. But then again, it's not like He can just stand by me the entire time and tell me what to do. I do need to learn to make decisions on my own. Still follow God's law of course, make decisions that please Him and that help me reflect Him to everyone around me. I just wish school and work and life in general weren't so complicated.
I remember when all I wanted to be was a wife and mom. I still aspire to achieve that someday, but my parents tell me I need to have some kind of education to fall back on so I can have a job. Neither of my parents really went to college, so I think that's why they're pushing me so hard to get some kind of schooling done. Well, maybe that's just something they're going to have to deal with. I inherited their genes, and maybe those genes include not going to college right away.
I've been thinking lately that I should've taken a year off after high school before starting college. To help myself figure out what I want to do. I've already spent I don't know how much money on classes towards a degree that I'm not getting any more. Instead of wasting that money on those classes I should taken a break and figured out my life some more instead of jumping right into college. Of course, if it wasn't for my art teacher my first semester, I wouldn't have known about the photography program at school and wouldn't be wanting to get into it now. So I guess those mistakes have some merit to them.
I hope I can see everything much clearer after my appointment tomorrow. I really hope this helps clear my head about all this school and life stuff. I don't like freaking out and being uncertain. It's not fun at all.