Ever since about the middle of September I've been romantically attached to someone in one way or another.  (And if I'm going to be completely honest, it's gone on for even  longer than that.)
Why?  Why am I constantly in a state of attachment?  Why do I feel the need to be attached, accepted, approved of?  Is it due to lack of confidence in myself?  Lack of faith in God's love for me?
Yes, I like to be told I look pretty.  For as long as I can remember, my Dad has told me nearly every Sunday when we get dressed up for church that I look pretty.  Doesn't everyone like to be appreciated and loved?
During the course of our conversation, someone I know said that he doesn't care about what people think of him.  I responded by saying that I try to not care and he quickly cut in with, "But you do!"  I said, "Yes. That's why I said I try not to."
It's true.  I do care what people think.  And I really wish I didn't.  "What are they thinking?"  "Should I have not said that?"  "Should I have done something different?"  "If I say 'no' what will happen?"
I like to be different.  I don't want to go along with what everyone else is doing.  I don't want to follow the crowd or the trends.  I have my own thoughts, my own beliefs, and they're not the same as everybody else's.  I shouldn't be afraid to be myself, to be different.  But sometimes I am.  Because I want approval.  My want of acceptance overrides the need to be myself.
At this time I'm not attached to anyone.  And it actually feels really great.  My want of approval and fear of rejection is in the back of my mind.  I need to be myself by myself for a while.  Yeah, I've said this before.  And this whole post is sounding sort of familiar.  I guess I need to constantly be reminded that I don't need to be attached to someone all the time.  That being myself by myself is very good for me.  Gives me a chance to focus on other things: my relationship with God, my family, my friends, my passions.  I can work on things like building up my self-confidence, not craving the approval of others, becoming stronger in my faith.  I need to be healthy mentally and emotionally before I enter another relationship endeavor.


can't compute

It's amazing how you can know so perfectly, so surely how you feel about things and people, what you think of them, your opinions and beliefs.  And there are songs or Bible verses that so accurately capture how you feel, think, and believe.  It's so beautiful and good.
Then it's gone.  Something changes, something leaves, something breaks.  And you don't know anymore.  It's a mess and it can't be sorted out.  Sometimes you see it coming, but other times it strikes out of nowhere and that makes it even worse.
You want to understand, you want to make sense of it all.  You don't know whether to blame yourself or someone else, whether you should be mad or have pity.  You don't want to get all cliche' and say, "God, why me?" but that's how you feel.  Why me?  Why this?  Why now?
God doesn't mean for us to understand everything that happens, everything He does.  At times it's easy to accept that.  Other times you just really wish that you did understand, that you did know why something happened.  You want to be able to make sense of it all.  But maybe He doesn't tell us everything for a reason.  Maybe He doesn't mean for us to understand something for a reason.  Maybe He knows we wouldn't be able to handle it or comprehend it.  Maybe He hides certain things from us because He loves us.
I don't know everything.  I don't understand everything.  And honestly, I'm glad for that.  My brain wouldn't be able to handle it.  My brain can hardly handle complicated things like math.  It would explode if I tried to understand everything that happens, why Goes does what He does.  I might not understand it all, but He does.  And that's just one of the many reasons for me to believe in Him, trust in Him, and praise Him.



A great song they play on the radio.  Thank you to my dear friend who reminded me of it last night.

Here she talks about the story behind "Blessings".


i will love you for you

who will love me for me?
not for what I have done or what I will become
who will love me for me?
‘cause nobody has shown me what love
what love really means, what love really means

I will love you for you
not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you

I will give you the love
the love that you never knew



Friday I turn 21.
My sister was married a few months before she turned 21.  My mother also got married when she was young.
Me?  I'm not really anywhere close to getting married.  Yes, I do have a lot of interest in a certain someone, but there's no rush.  I told myself a while ago that I shouldn't feel pressured to get married young just because my mom and my sister did.  I'm a different person than they are.
Why all this recent thinking about my future and getting married and having kids and such?  I'm not sure.  But I suppose it's good to think about your future.  As long as you don't plan out exactly how you want it to happen.  It is nice to hope for things, but God will have things happen when they're supposed to.
Lots of thinking about God leading my life lately too.  I suppose that's something I need to work on.  Sometimes I try to do things by myself or have a "don't care" attitude and just let things happen.  I should care what happens in my life but I shouldn't try to control everything.
So yeah, I'm turning 21 on Friday.  What do I have to show for my life so far?  I've worked at the same daycare since my senior year of high school.  I'll be receiving my certificate in photography this summer since completing all the required classes.  I want to start a little photography business but don't really have the means to do that right now.  I'm highly involved in Ongoing Ambassadors For Christ on both a local and national basis.  I'm still living with my parents, which I'm fine with.  I would have a small place of my own if I could, but I know I can't afford it.  This summer promises full-time hours at the daycare and lots of lesson planning for me to do for my Bible Time class with the K-6th grade kids.
There's other things in my life besides work and school, more important things.  Mistakes and triumphs.  New ideas explored.  Friends made, friends lost, and some friendships repaired.  Really good relationships, some that get put on hold for a bit.  Flawed relationships.  Things I'm not proud I did.  I say that these are more important than work and school because I think it's experiences like these, the things we do and mess up and learn from that more define who we are than our social or educational or financial status.
I think what's most important of all though is that I've grown.  I've learned from mistakes and cherished the happy moments.  I've learned to be honest, to forgive, to stand up for myself, and to talk to God and the people I love more.  I'm continually learning to rely on God more than I already do.  We'll never learn everything, we'll never be perfect, we'll never be totally amazing Christians who don't ever mess up.  Life is just one big learning process.  And we have the greatest Teacher ever to guide the way.
I also like to think that life is a dance and God can guide us through all of the steps.  :)

i'm not a mom

As one of my co-workers was going home Friday evening, she wished us all a Happy Mother's Day.  The wish was accepted and echoed by my other co-workers.  I quietly (and humorously) said, "I'm not a mom..." (This co-worker is a good sport with a great sense of humor, so I knew she would have fun with it.)  She goes, "Oh, well, Happy Pretty Girl Day then," and laughs.
Three of my co-workers are mothers (One of them is having her first child this month!  We're all so excited to meet the sweet little girl!) and two of my other co-workers are mothers and grandmothers.  Then there's three of us who aren't close to having children any time soon but still care for the kids so much.
My mom pointed out to me today that even though I don't have any children of my own, I might be more of a mom to the children at the daycare than I realize.  I agreed.  "To some of those kids I might be the closest thing to a mom they've ever had."  Daycares, babysitters, and nannies certainly are not replacements for mothers.  For those children though who are without a mommy kind of person at home, they can provide some of the love and stability they so desperately need from a mommy-like figure.
I really look forward to the day God blesses me and my future husband with children.  Before I started working at the daycare I used to say things like, "I want to have like five kids and then adopt three more and be a foster parent or something!"  Taking care of the kids at work put into perspective what it would be like to have that many children.  "Ok, maybe like two or three kids would be good..."  One day I told a co-worker, "I hope I have at least one girl so I can braid her hair like I do for the girls here."  She said, "Oh, I wanted a girl too.  I ended up with three boys though."
You know what?  I don't know how many children I'll have or whether they'll be boys or girls.  (There's even a chance I won't get married or for some reason won't be able to have children.)  God knows though.  He knows how many children my future husband and I will have (if it's His will that I'll get married), He knows if they'll be boys or girls, He knows if we'll adopt kids or not.  Best of all, He'll bless us with however many children we can handle.  That's very comforting.  So if I do end up with seven kids or something like that, I know that God knows I can take care of them.
Thank God for all the mothers and grandmothers out there.  And thank Him for all the women who are mothers to children who aren't biologically theirs.


clear for takeoff

Have you ever seen those bumper stickers or t-shirts with the phrase "Jesus Is My Co-Pilot" on them?
Load. Of. Crap.  (Please pardon the language.  It's due to disappointment with myself.)
He's not the "co-pilot".  He's THE pilot.  The only One.
I think we forget that sometimes.  Myself more than anyone.

No, I'm not catholic.  But I thought this was a nice picture.  And it's the only even slightly Christian-themed one I could find.



Sometimes we run from God.  We run from His plans for us.  We fight with Him.  We resist what He's trying to do in our lives.  I'm guilty of that.
I've been told that I should be a pastor's wife.  Not recently and not just once though.  I was 17 the first time someone told me I should be a pastor's wife, that I would be great as a pastor's wife.  Since then different people at different times have echoed that same thought (fact).  I haven't told many people about it and when I do I say it jokingly.  It never fails though: every time I tell someone I've been told I should be a pastor's wife, they quickly and heartily agree.
At times I've done a good job of running in the opposite direction of this sentiment.  I've used my interests, my attitude, the people I've dated, and other things to point myself in a different way.  It never lasts long though.  I bounce from one end of the spectrum to the other.  I lean towards God's will and then quickly jump away.  Back and forth, up and down.  I get myself so confused as to where I am spiritually and mentally.
You'd think all this jumping around would get me so exhausted that I would finally just throw my hands up and say, "Ok, God.  I'm done fighting.  Let's do this."  I'm stubborn and sinful though.  Even the times I do almost give up control to God, I turn away again.  I make myself open to the possibility of God wanting me to be a pastor's wife and then get scared.  I close myself up and ignore Him.
We use petty excuses for ignoring God's will.  "I'm not good enough to be a pastor's wife."  "That would be too hard, I wouldn't be able to handle it."  "There are other women better suited for something like that."  Those are some of the excuses I've used.  And those excuses show that I'm not trusting God with this.  If I think I'm not good enough, that I can't handle it, that's like saying God doesn't have the ability to see His will through, to help me handle it.
I'm still not 100% sure if God's calling me to be a pastor's wife, I'm not able to give up control quite yet.  There's a lot more praying to be done.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11
(A Bible verse that's used probably way too much, but it really is true.)