Notions of a Redhead

have you made yourself vulnerable?

2012-02-20T11:41:00.000-06:00

Have you ever been afraid to say something? Have you ever avoided speaking your mind because of what might happen?

It can be scary to voice your opinion, to confess how you feel. There are things I keep to myself simply because I'm too quiet and bashful to say them.
Sensitive and emotional things, I don't like saying them because odds are I'll end up crying. I'm not a big fan of crying in front of people. It makes me feel stupid and awkward.
What are the things we're afraid to admit? There's a logic that if you can't say something out loud, then you shouldn't say it in writing either. But what if the reason you can't say it out loud is because it's too overwhelming?
One thing in particular pops into my head when thinking of things that are overwhelming to say: I love you. Whether you say them to a friend, family member, or your significant other, those three small words encompass so many things. Your regard, your thoughts, your feelings for that person are expressed freely and openly through those three small words.
To love is to make yourself vulnerable. And I'm not talking about being vulnerable to rejection from the other person. I'm talking about being vulnerable to loss. I read a blog post recently that really put this into perspective. The author talks about how her mother continued to love even after her first and second husbands passed away. When we experience loss, it's so easy to shut ourselves away and say "I will never love again" like Buttercup does in The Princess Bride when her beloved Westley is believed to be dead.
When we love someone, we make ourselves vulnerable to loss. No matter how much we pray for the safety of our loved ones, it's a fact that everyone dies. Does that mean we just shouldn't love at all? Certainly not. If anything, the knowledge that life is so short should encourage us to love all the more and make the most of the time we have together. You never know what tomorrow will bring.
Even though those words can be overwhelming and hard to say, we should say them anyways. We might not get a chance to say them tomorrow if we choose to not say them today.
And what happens when we do experience loss? Should we close ourselves up and refuse to love again? Certainly not. Loss is inevitable, but so is love. We cannot let bitterness and sadness rule our lives. God made us for more than that. He told us to love each other. We should not let the fear or pain of loss keep us from loving each other.

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters. If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person? Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth. 1 John 3:16-18

"Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained."
— C.S. Lewis

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."
— A.A. Milne (Winnie-the-Pooh)

the friends

2012-02-13T15:44:00.000-06:00

How many friends do you have on Facebook? My list is up to 450. How many of those people do I talk to on a regular basis? How many of them do I really know?
Generally, I do not add someone on Facebook unless I have met them in person. But even then, if I met someone once a couple years ago and we haven't kept in touch beyond adding each other on Facebook, they're usually cut from the list.
Between Twitter, Facebook, and blogs, there are so many numbers we can see regarding who's "following" us and reading the random thoughts that spill from our minds. How many likes and comments do you get on your posts? How many subscribers does your blog have? How many fans "like" your Facebook page?
It's easy to think of it as a popularity contest. The more friends, "followers", and "likes" we have, the better we feel. But what's the real reason behind the constant clicking? Does someone "like" your status because it's a personal thought, because it has to do with you? Or do they "like" it because it was a quote or a reference to something they are interested in? So in all honesty, their "like" could be meant for the subject of the status, not for you personally. We want to think of it the other way around though, don't we?
Is the number of friends on your list more important than who is actually on that list? Are you going for quantity over quality? The kid in your class that you never talk to in person, is he on your list? That one person you met a few years ago but haven't heard from in ages, is she on your list? Friends of friends you haven't met in person, are they on your list?
I have my friend list pretty well split up into categories. Family, friends back in Texas, friends from here in Illinois, and people who go to my church.
But the category that makes up the majority of my friend list is OAFC. When I do a "friend cleanse", deciding whether or not to keep people in this category is hard. Not everyone in OAFC is consistently involved, so you never really know when you'll see them again. But if we don't keep in touch between the sporadic times of seeing each other, and don't really connect when we do see each other, then that person will most likely not make the cut.
Let's suppose you have over 400 friends on Facebook. Now imagine you're dealing with a really difficult situation, that something terrible has happened. A broken relationship, a death in the family, academic struggles, something that causes extreme emotional and mental stress. You need someone to talk to. Who of your 400+ Facebook friends do you turn to? Who are you closest to? Who do you know will give you sound, unbiased advice? Who will gladly be a shoulder for you to cry on? Surely there is at least one person out of the 400 you can go to.
I do not confide in a lot of people. There are maybe only two people I feel like I can share sensitive and private matters with. If I confide in such a small number of people, then what am I doing with over 400 Facebook friends? There are friends we confide in and friends we have because of shared interests and activities. You don't have to limit your friend list to just those you trust as "secret keepers", but do you regularly and personally interact with everyone on your friend list? Do you want to have a lot of friends you don't really know, or a few friends you're so close to that you can't imagine life without them?
I had 450 friends on Facebook when I started writing this. That number could be getting smaller soon...

contented

2012-01-21T12:22:00.000-06:00

I'm thankful I made it home safely on the slick roads last night after work.
I'm thankful for my warm coat and warm house that protect me from the cold.
I'm thankful for books.
I'm thankful for the very simple things that make me happy.
I'm thankful that my current employment situation enables me to enjoy two of my favorite things: photography and working with kids.
I'm thankful for oatmeal with apples and brown sugar.
I'm thankful for my friend who is helping me with a photography job next month.
I'm thankful for music.
I'm thankful I'm able to care so much for others.
I'm thankful for the many ways we have to keep in touch with the people we love.
I'm thankful for forgiveness.
I'm thankful for the many creative abilities God has blessed me with.

I will try to _________

2012-01-16T15:04:00.001-06:00

I don't think I've ever made a New Years resolution. For some reason it seems kind of counterproductive. You make a resolution, a promise, to do something or not do something. It's your goal and accomplishing it will be epitome of the new year. And what likely happens? You don't keep the resolution. You fail. And then you feel bad and crawl off into a hole to hide. Why? Because you told everyone of your resolution and can't bare to face them or the reality that you failed. Sounds like you're just setting yourself up for disappointment.
Even though I have never made a resolution, I'm going to do something similar this year. I will make a list titled "I will try to _________". This will be a list of things I will strive to do throughout the year. But they are not resolutions. Just little things I can work on that will in some way improve my life or give me a sense of accomplishment.

I will try to _________

1. Take more photos.
This one might seem a little silly since I'm a photographer. You're probably thinking, "She must take photos all the time. Why in the world would she want to take more?" Truth is, it's very easy to just let your camera sit in its bag on its shelf and not touch it at all between jobs. That happened too much last year. So this year I will try to take more photos. I will try to challenge myself, learn new things, create projects for myself, and put more effort and thought into my photos.

2. Take better care of my hair.
I was blessed with beautiful, thick, and unruly red hair. It curls, waves, and does whatever it wants. The last time I had it cut the hairdresser exclaimed, "Whoa, you have like three times as much hair as a normal person does!" Yep, I have a lot of hair. And it tends to be quite dry and coarse if I don't care for it properly. Trying to get my mane to behave is a constant battle. Unfortunately I can't just let it dry after a shower and it magically falls into place. It takes a bit more work. This year I will try to take better care of my hair and find less destructive ways to make it behave.

3. Grow my hair out as long as possible.
This one could almost go with the previously listed item. I'm curious to see how long my hair can grow. It's already grown quite a bit since I had it cut this past fall. During OAFC New Years one of my friends told me that my hair was getting so long. I didn't really realize the truth of this until I got home and was looking in the mirror one day. "Wow! My hair really is getting long!" I had kind of a shorter haircut last year so it would curl naturally with a bit of mousse and drying with a diffuser. It doesn't curl as well by itself when it's longer, but still, I will try to grow my hair out as long as possible.

4. Eat breakfast every day.
Not eating breakfast is a bad habit I got into when I started college. I didn't even go to college away from home but somehow there just didn't seem to be enough time for breakfast in the morning. It's unhealthy to skip breakfast. As they say, it's the most important meal of the day. Usually my breakfast consists of a cup of coffee or tea and maybe some toast. Skipping breakfast probably doesn't help any with my weight. If you go by the Body Mass Index chart, I would be considered underweight or almost underweight. I'm very light and slender. But I don't starve myself or have an eating disorder. I eat when I'm hungry and eat until I'm full. Except for this habit of not eating breakfast. I'm hoping to change this. This year I will try to eat breakfast every day.

5. Wake up earlier.
Honestly, this might be the hardest thing to try to do. I'm very much so a night owl. I'm not a morning person at all. I don't move very fast in the morning nor am I in a rush to get out of bed. But there really are so many benefits to waking up early and it's a good habit to have. So this year I will try to wake up earlier.

These are the only items on the list for right now. We'll see if I add any more as the year goes on. :)

next time

2012-01-16T00:24:00.000-06:00

It is good to care, help, and give. But it's also good to be careful.
Have you heard the phrase "guard your heart"? It's something I heard growing up and it was usually used in reference to dating and relationships. I thought it sounded corny and I didn't quite understand what it meant. I think I do now though. Sometimes you have to make mistakes and get hurt before you can understand certain things.
My mistakes have been caring too much and giving too much to the wrong people at the wrong time.
I like to think the best of people, give them the benefit of a doubt, trust until they give me reason not to. Might not sound like the smartest way to live, but I think it's better than being a pessimistic recluse who loves and trusts no one.
But it's this disposition that make me naive and oblivious to red flags. There's nothing wrong with focusing on the good, but we should still be aware of the negatives in life. Ignoring them doesn't make them go away. If anything, ignoring bad things just makes them worse.
Another part of this disposition is that I can't stay mad at people. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Yes, I can certainly have a temper, spout off snarky comments, and get mad at someone. But it doesn't last very long. It burns hot, fast, and then quickly goes out. Holding grudges and staying consistently mad at someone isn't possible for me. Example: One of the guys I dated, he ended the relationship in a not so gentlemanly manner. I had every right to be mad at him, and I was. For a day. Maybe a day and a half. But after that day and a half I was concerned only for him and how he was feeling. I wanted to make sure he was ok. I couldn't for the life of me stay mad at him.
Caring too much, giving too much, and ignoring red flags does not make for lovely relationship experiences. Hopefully the next time around I can use what I've learned and thereby avoid making the same mistakes again.

closeness

2012-01-08T20:54:00.000-06:00

How do you define closeness with someone? When does someone go from being "a friend" to "a good friend" to "a close friend"? Where are the lines drawn? How do you know when certain milestones or checkpoints are passed and you enter a new level of closeness and friendship?
What makes someone a close friend? Is it how much you have in common? How often you talk to each other? How often you see each other? How long you've known each other?
What if you consider someone to be a close friend, but they don't feel the same about you?
It's been many years since I've really seen or legitimately talked to the kids I grew up with as friends. We've all grown up and changed so much. Sometimes I wonder if I hadn't moved away, would we still be close to each other?
Thanks to my involvement in OAFC, the majority of the friends I have live anywhere from an hour away to in a completely different state. I have friends stretching from Colorado to Texas to one who's deployed overseas at the moment. If closeness in friendship is measured by how close you live to each other and how often you see each other, then I must not have many close friends. Some I see only twice a year.
But I don't think it is how close you live and how often you see each other that really defines closeness between friends. How often you hear from each other certainly has bearing, but even then I think there's something that transcends regularly communicating with a friend.
It's not distance in miles, years of history, or constant Facebook messages that define closeness. It's something more, something special. It's the something that enables two people to be close friends even when they're polar opposites. It's the something that makes months of not seeing each other feel like only a day. It's the something that lets you know what the other is thinking even when neither of you have spoken a word. It's the something that gives you the selflessness to do anything and everything for them, and knowing they would do the same for you.
A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. Proverbs 17:17
Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Romans 12:15
God gives us friends, He gives us each other, so we can love, help, and support each other.
I may not get to see my friends, my close friends, very often but I know they are there. Between the times we get to see each other, we're able to stay in touch. We can reach out to each other in times of happiness and times of sorrow.
God gives us friends. He gave me friends who I'm very thankful for. And I look forward to seeing them again. :)

pleasing

2012-01-03T21:03:00.000-06:00

Wrong words can be forgiven. But does that mean their effect on you goes away?
Something you've never thought of was brought to light, and even though the concerns were wrongly based, they caused you to think about things differently.
Now the smallest mentions and comments run through your mind in ways they wouldn't have before.
If you're criticized once, who's to say it won't happen again?
And when someone gives you a genuine compliment, how do you take it?
I'll tell you what I did. I blushed with embarrassment at the reaction I received.
I knew the dress I was wearing was pretty, but I never thought I'd receive such strong compliments about me being pretty.
Later on a good friend asked me, "Do you feel pretty?" I thought for a moment and said, "Yes, I do." He told me, "Good, because you look pretty."
I was never one to lack confidence in my appearance, but at the same time I was modest and didn't parade around proclaiming to the world that I thought I was pretty.
The smallest of words can break that confidence.
Fences can be mended and words forgiven, but for some reason the effect still stays.
It's not there all the time. Most of the time I don't think about it at all.
There are days when it's present though. Like the day my friend asked me if I felt pretty.
Should physical beauty and such words of affirmation be important? No, not really.
As the saying goes, "It's what's on the inside that counts."
But honestly, who doesn't like to be told that they look nice?
This isn't the first time I've written about this. And I doubt it will be the last.
Physical beauty is such an integral part of our culture and society. Especially in the photography industry.
In one way or another, the subject of a photograph is to be aesthetically pleasing. Whether it's so strange it's beautiful, or so beautiful it's strange, the subject is supposed to capture attention.
How does this affect our everyday life and how we think of ourselves and others?
To each his own.
Everyone is different and therefore affected differently by the supposed push to be considered beautiful.
How am I affected by it?
I've always said that I don't want to be like anyone else. I want to be myself. That also means I want to be pretty in my own way.
Do I always think of myself as being pretty? Most days, yes. But not in a self-absorbed, conceited sort of way.
If we are God's precious creations made in His image, then what are we saying about Him when we don't like ourselves?

togetherness

2012-01-03T21:02:00.000-06:00

To be loved and treated rightly.
A connection that's simple and natural.
For things to be the same on both sides.
No questions, no doubts.
Just togetherness.
That would be nice.

i don't want it

2012-01-03T21:01:00.000-06:00

I don't want to get hurt anymore.
I don't want another broken relationship.
I don't want to give my all and then realize it was a mistake... again.
I want to be careful.
I want to tiptoe.
I want to be quiet.
But getting hurt is inevitable, isn't it?
We can't escape pain.
There is sin in the world which means there's also pain.
We can't escape sin.
We can't escape pain.
But we can hope.
We can love.
We can be careful.
We can pray to God for wisdom and strength to do the right thing.
To know the right thing to do.
I don't want to get hurt again.

quandry

2012-01-03T21:00:00.000-06:00

How do you know if you are doing something for the right reasons?
Or the wrong ones?
How do you know if your motives are true?
What is the reasoning behind what you are doing?
Are you trying to justify something questionable?
Are you afraid of losing something?
You try your hardest to not let go even though that's probably what needs to happen?
Do you know the good thing to do?
Do you know if it's time to step away or keep trying?
How do you know what to do?
And what if it's not the first time you've been in this situation?
Will you step away only to be pulled back in later on?
And if you get pulled back in, were you wrong about your motives being wrong in the first place?
What do you do?
Are there other people involved?
What are they doing?
Is their behavior influencing your thoughts?
Is it something they are or are not doing that's making you question the situation?
Are you giving of yourself and they're not returning the favor?
Are you sure but they're not?
How long can you wait?
How much can you give before it's too much?

interdigitate

2011-12-02T11:21:00.001-06:00

Silent suffering.
Are you a silent sufferer?
Do things bother you but you don't tell people because you don't want to burden them with your problems?
Or you don't feel like you have permission to talk about it?
Or you don't want to hear the questions and criticisms you know are bound to come out of their mouths?
Are you a silent sufferer?
How do you deal with it?
Is it healthy?
The answer to that is "no".
Do you pray a lot?
Do you confide in a select few?
Do you suck it up and pretend nothing is going on?
Ignoring things doesn't make them go away.
It just puts them on hold for a little while.
Are you a silent sufferer?
If you are, just know this:
You are not alone.
There are many more just like you.
And they're willing to offer help and support.

For where two or three come together in My name, there I am with them.
Matthew 18:20

hopeful

2011-11-16T10:40:00.001-06:00

I certainly don't agree with everything that goes on in the show "Glee". The morals and plots are questionable, but you can't deny that they have amazing talent on that show.
The mashup of two Adele songs last night was beautiful. I actually got a little choked up when I watched it. I already love Adele's music so this was just too perfect. They put the songs together so well and I love Naya Rivera's (Santana) voice.

The songs speak to you on a personal level. Whether you've been in a relationship exactly like what's described in the songs or something a little different, you can still identify with the mixture of anger and hope expressed. I think that's what got me the most.

challenge

2011-11-15T09:41:00.001-06:00

It's way too easy to over-think something and let it scare you. Sure, it's really exciting at the beginning, but then you get down to the nitty gritty, figuring out the details, making the tough decisions, and it almost makes you want to run in the other direction.
And it's really annoying when you get to writing and then somethings happens that totally blows your train of thought out of the water. Now I'm frustrated. Like I didn't have enough to think about already.
Anyways, I guess what I was getting at before is that even though something may be scary or complicated, God put it there for a reason. You may not think you're ready to handle it, but He thinks so, and that's all that matters. Dawdling and putting it off won't get it done and won't help you grow. You just need to buckle down and do it.
This seems to happen to me a lot. I get started on something and then get scared and think I can't do it, that it's too hard. You would expect me to finally learn to just blast through the challenge and not worry about it.

paper or plastic

2011-11-04T12:59:00.000-05:00

I am such a mixture of my parents.
Dad is cool and calculated, logical, and good at solving problems.
Mom is sympathetic, emotional, sappy, and charitable.
I constantly bounce between these two temperaments.
My brain is a fun place to be when these two sides get to arguing with each other.

exposure

2011-10-27T21:14:00.000-05:00

Does modesty still exist? (No, I'm not talking about clothes. But do keep reading.)
I'm not really one to "toot my own horn" as the saying goes. Case in point: Nearly everyone at my church had no clue that I could play guitar until we hosted an OAFC weekend last month and I played guitar during the Sunday services. I don't brag about or flaunt my abilities.
Or do I? Yes, there is a difference between modesty and shyness. Consider this though: You might not verbally share something about yourself, but does that stop you from posting or Tweeting it? When you think about it, everything you put out there is something you think is important enough for the "whole world" to know.
This train of thought leads me to social networking for businesses. Self-promotion, more specifically. Sure, making face-to-face connections with potential collaborators and clients it still the best way to promote your business. But online social networking is now a given for businesses and freelancers who want to stay on top of things. It's a new and convenient way to make connections.
The question floating around in my mind is this: How do you balance self-promotion and modesty? Is this even possible? Are modesty and humility still traits to be proud of? How many times can you post something about yourself or your business before you come across as being arrogant, prideful, and annoying?
I ask again, does modesty still exist?

vanish

2011-10-26T17:25:00.000-05:00

Stupid artistic insecurities.
I don't like how you pop up out of nowhere.
The smallest things set you off.
I don't like you, insecurities.
Go away and don't come back.

“We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same.” - Carlos Casteneda

back

2011-10-20T17:11:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since I've written on here. Nearly a month. And I can tell. Writing helps me stay balanced and focused. I get a bit scatterbrained when I don't take the time to sort out my thoughts and write. I do want to continue writing on here from an introspective point of view, but right now I'm kind of just free writing and dumping my brain.

I'm still plugging away at starting a business. Had a photo shoot last week and have another coming up next week which means things are certainly picking up. But my computer died and I had to buy a new one, so that doesn't help any with my income and expenses.

Sometimes I wonder if starting a business would be easier if I lived in a bigger town or a different state. Is it normal to try to start a business in a podunk town like this one? But I would probably have more competition if I lived in a bigger place or one more attuned to photography and creative pursuits. Competition isn't necessarily a bad thing though.

I get frustrated with online social networking. I know it's a good way to gain "followers" and drum up business, but does it really work? Do people really pay attention to it? Taking time to post things for my business and then for myself personally seems frivolous, time-consuming, and redundant. I know there are other ways to get the word out, but I'm no social butterfly and find small talk boring, so it's hard to make myself employ those other strategies.

Another thing about social networking: it gets annoying. People post stupid, meaningless things, complain about others complaining, take it all way too seriously, or say things that should be kept private. That's another peeve: everything is so public and open for everyone to see. I know there are settings and whatnot for what gets shown to who, but it can still be overwhelming. For instance, consider relationship statuses. A break up is painful enough to deal with personally in real life and seeing everyone's comments and input online doesn't make it any easier. It's good to be honest and accurate with your information, but I don't like how people make it their own business to be involved in the business of others when they have no business being in their business. (Did you get confused?) Some people think there must be something majorly wrong if you don't list a relationship on Facebook. Well that's their problem if they want to think that. Not everyone wants to plaster their information all over the place so the whole world can see it. What happened to privacy and decency?

I kind of miss my college classes. I enjoyed challenging my creativity with the assignments and getting to interact with people who share my interests. It's harder to do that when you're not required to be at a certain place at a certain time. Time management. Something I'm learning to do.

You know how you trust someone but then something happens, there's a hiccup or blip between y'all, and then you don't trust them like you used to, but you don't really tell them? Do you ever wonder if they know? If they suspect something has changed?

transplant

2011-09-26T13:38:00.000-05:00

It's going on seven years that I've lived in Illinois. Looking back it seems to have gone by so fast, but I still remember how hard of a change it was to deal with. I suppose there's a certain degree of trauma when you move no matter how old you are. Those young impressionable teenage years sure make it difficult though. Leaving everything you know, everything you grew up around to go to a new place is scary.
There's still something that cracks me up though after almost seven years of living in Illinois. When you get to talking to people around here, you almost always hear the statement, "Oh, I'm not from around here," come out of their mouths. You ask them where they're from and 90% of the time they say, "I grew up in *insert name of the next little town fifteen minutes up the highway* but moved to *insert name of current town* after we got married because my husband/wife is from here." My brain screeches to a halt and I think, "So, if you're not from around here, but you grew up fifteen minutes away from this very town, then I must be an alien or something since I grew up in an entirely different state pretty far away from here."
Living in Texas, it seemed like everyone was from somewhere else. There weren't a lot of extended families living close to each other. Cousins didn't grow up going to school together like they do around here. Everyone had grown up in a different state, a different country, or at least an entirely different part of Texas (down south, up in the panhandle, etc.). But even though there weren't groups of families around, everyone was still so friendly and helpful. It's like we became each other's extended family. Gotta love good ol' southern hospitality. :)
I see different kinds of pride in both states.
In Illinois there's a lot of loyalty to whatever town you grew up in. These little towns love having their own schools and they're very proud of them. The towns really try to distinguish themselves from each other. They don't want to be lumped together. Lot's of homegrown pride.
Texans have pride for their entire state. It's like their attitude is, "Yes, we're Texas, and we're awesome!" Phrases like, "Don't Mess With Texas" and "Everything Is Bigger In Texas" make that a hard fact to miss. Maybe it has something to do with Texas being its own country at one point in history.
Both states have their perks. I miss Texas (especially the warm weather) but haven't been back for a visit the entire time I've lived here. And on the other side of the coin, I've just begun exploring the country roads out here where we live in Illinois. In many ways I still feel like an outsider.
I guess "pride" could be translated as "stubbornness". :)

body conscious?

2011-09-23T13:38:00.000-05:00

There's a lot of talk about being healthy, losing weight, and eating right. Some even get the impression that "Being healthy and thin will make you happier (or closer to perfect than you were before)!" There certainly are advantages to eating healthy. Your body works better, your brain can efficiently function, you don't get sick as easily, etc.
But what about the people who are already healthy? What about the people who aren't classified as being "over weight"? What about those who are naturally thin? What does being bombarded with these messages do to them?
I'm thin. I'm small-built. I don't weigh a lot. But I'm around people who are concerned with weight, eating healthy, or losing "just a few more pounds". What does hearing all of this do to my psyche? I'm not sure.
I supposedly don't weigh as much as I should. My BMI number isn't classified as "healthy" for my height. And if I'm going to be completely honest, I've supposedly lost weight since earlier this year.
I do eat healthy, but I don't try to lose weight. (I just finished eating a grilled ham, cheese, and bell pepper sandwich on 12-grain bread with a glass of milk.) I don't starve myself, but sometimes I get wrapped up in what I'm doing and don't eat as regular or as much as I probably should. I am guilty of hardly ever eating breakfast. I'm not athletic but I'm thin. I was actually tested for a thyroid disorder towards the beginning of this year to see if that had something to do with my low weight. (I've been jokingly told I should eat more ice cream so I'll gain weight.)
My weight isn't something I think about a lot or that I'm terribly concerned with. I eat 'til I'm full, I eat healthy, and I figure that's fine. I'm still alive, I'm still breathing. I certainly don't think I have an eating disorder of any kind.
But I still wonder what all these messages about losing weight and being healthy do to the people who already are healthy, whose lives aren't threatened by excessive weight. I'm sure they're affecting even myself somehow, but I haven't figured out how yet.

sneaking

2011-09-19T11:42:00.000-05:00

Do you tip-toe around some people? Are you walking on eggshells? Are you careful to not upset them?
It's one thing to be sensitive and caring. But it's another to avoid voicing your opinions simply for fear of creating conflict.
Why are you avoiding conflict? Why are you afraid of upsetting them? Maybe you're seeking approval. Maybe you're wanting to stay close to them. Maybe you unknowingly did something to upset them before. Maybe they've cut you off in the past and you don't want it to happen again.
But if you can't comfortably give your opinions without fear of them blowing up emotionally, is that a healthy relationship for either of y'all? Is that honesty? Are you really being yourself?
Not everyone agrees. It's a fact. We were all created individually. We have our own unique thoughts. So yes, conflict is inevitable. But we should handle those disagreements with grace and intelligence. Getting wrapped up in emotions or mental kerfuffles and neglecting to seek out a peaceful compromise is not the way to go.
It's not our similarities that make us beautiful people, it's our uniqueness. Having friends with different points of view is a blessing. We can learn to understand concepts foreign to us. We can balance each other.
So don't be afraid to be yourself. It's fine to not agree with everyone all the time. Let there be contrast in your relationships. And if someone does get all bent out of shape because your thoughts don't match their thoughts, then maybe you ought to find someone else to share your time with.

(Totally off-topic from what this post is about, but when I came up with the title for this it reminded me of that one part in Lord Of The Rings when Gollum is sneaking around and Sam gets after him about it:

Sam: What are you up to? Sneaking off, are we?
Gollum: Sneaking? Sneaking? Fat Hobbit is always so polite. Smeagol shows them secret ways that nobody else could find, and they say "sneak!" Sneak? Very nice friend. Oh, yes, my precious. Very nice, very nice.
Sam: All right, all right! You just startled me is all. What were you doing?
Gollum: Sneaking. )

feel

2011-09-16T12:15:00.000-05:00

I want to...
create things that touch people.
move them.
make them angry, make them sad, make them happy, make them laugh, make them cry.

I want to...
be honest.
move people.
make them feel.
make them feel together, bring them together.

If I can be honest, if I can create things that make people feel.
If I can move them in ways they haven't been moved before.

I want to...
make them feel things they haven't felt before, feel the things they're afraid to feel.

I want to...
touch them.
help them.
be honest.

I want them to be honest.

I want to touch people with the things I create.
God, grant me the talent to do so.

in the mean time right now

2011-09-14T12:47:00.000-05:00

Growing up I was surrounded by women who were mothers, teachers, nurturers. I was homeschooled. (Yes, that is one word. Stop underlining it in red.) The majority of my friends were also homeschooled. We got together with our homeschool group in the spring and fall for "classes" on Fridays. All the moms (and some of the dads) were teaching or helping teach all sorts of classes. They were teaching their own kids, their kids' friends, and kids they didn't know. (This is how I learned to sew when I was eight years old.) It was a very family-oriented environment and I gained a lot from growing up that way. Lots of time spent with family, lots of time spent with other homeschool families, lots of learning, growing, and playing.
Being raised in such a nurturing setting put my mind in a certain frame of thought. I began to form certain expectations or qualifications for how my life was going to be, what I was going to do, who I was going to be. "Get married and have kids. Homeschool my kids. As soon as possible." That's pretty much what it was. I felt that my purpose was to have a family like mine, raise my kids like I was raised (with a few changes, of course; not everyone wants to be exactly like their parents), and that was it. There weren't really any notions of having a career or a job. Sure I thought, "Oh, I could do this.." or "I could be this..." but it was all secondary. It took a backseat to what I felt was my duty: Having a family.
This way of thinking was firmly engrained in my brain for quite a while. It wasn't until much later (into my college years, actually) that I began realizing, "Oh, I have options? I can do other things?" I realized that I could have a career, a job that I truly enjoy, do other things I love. I didn't have to get married right away. I didn't have to have kids right off the bat. (And, dare I say it, I didn't have to homeschool my kids?) My mind was blown away by this realization. Suddenly the "need" to get married as soon as possible disappeared. My mom and sister were both married before they were the age I am now. That's not for me though. God has something different in mind. He wants me to wait and He's giving me other things to do in the mean time. Everyone has a different purpose, different gifts.
Families certainly are very important. Don't think for a minute that I'm bashing families. Society and life as we know it couldn't exist without them. I still happily look forward to getting married and having kids. And who knows, maybe I will be able to homeschool my future kiddos. What I'm saying is that all of this doesn't need to happen right now. The sense of urgency I used to feel about this no longer exists. I'm young. I have time. I can do other things before settling down. What's waiting one, two, three, or four more years going to do? If anything I'll be more mature and more ready for marriage at that point.
Since there's no longer an urgency to get married and have kids, does that mean dating and relationships are out the window for now? Not necessarily. It just means there's more time for dating and relationships. There's no need to rush. I can take my time. (We can take our time.)

For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.

Romans 12:3-8

are you something?

2011-09-06T11:00:00.000-05:00

The little girl asked her mother, "Do you think the people we're most afraid of losing are the ones we care about the most?"

"Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained."
— C.S. Lewis

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians 13

I think it's better to risk caring and feeling than to not care at all.

graduating

2011-08-28T23:48:00.000-05:00

I look around at the people in my age group and I see a lot of different things. This one's engaged. That one's married. They just had a baby. This one's in college. That one just graduated. She's going to be a missionary. He's in the military. She's not in school. He isn't either. We're all so different.
I remember kind of feeling like a failure for not planning on going through four years of college like a lot of people do. I felt out of place. But no, I was just being myself and I still am. While most other people my age are going into their fourth year of college, I'm trying to start a business. I'm not saying one of these options is better than the other. Just pointing out that we all have a path unique to each of our lives.
There's no one-size-fits-all plan. Going to college immediately after high school (or going to college at all) isn't for everyone. We're not all ready for marriage at the same age. Some people want to have lots of kids, others want only one or none at all.
What's most important to remember about all this is that we make sure to follow God's plans for our lives. He's used my many mishaps to tell me, "Slow down, you're not ready for that yet. It'll happen later." We need to remember to be quiet and listen.

late at night

2011-08-26T01:55:00.001-05:00

Even the simplest of things seem to affect me differently than they affect other people. These things mean more to me or I'm more sensitive to them or something.

I don't like the prospect of someone disappearing and never hearing from them again. I like hearing from people, keeping in touch. Saying "good bye" is not acceptable. I want to make the most of the opportunities I have to spend time with people.

In certain situations I feel like I need to be an example, a role model, especially for those younger than me. Sometimes though I get tired of that. I get tired of enforcing the rules and trying to be "perfect". Opportunities to relax and be myself are greatly appreciated.

Being upset feels unnatural to me. Oftentimes I have to sit down and really think to figure out what's upsetting me and why. There are times though when being angry and upset is completely justified. Sometimes it actually does a lot of good to allow yourself to be mad. Just don't get carried away.

again

2011-08-24T00:01:00.000-05:00

Why do I feel this way?
Because, once again, I care too much. <<click there for more....
Still trying to find the best way to manage this.

convey

2011-08-13T20:34:00.000-05:00

How much of our lives are run by routine and regularity? What are the things we do every single day?
Some things we do every day by default for our own health or well being. Brush your teeth when you wake up. Brush your teeth before you go to bed. Put on your seatbelt when you get in the car. Take a shower. Eat your meals.
What about the things we choose to every single day? Go to work. Go to school. Take vitamins. Exercise. Pray. Watch a certain t.v. show. Go to a certain restaurant. Do certain things. See certain people.
Is there someone you talk to every single day? Someone you make sure to keep in touch with? Are you constantly texting with someone? The day isn't complete for either of you without hearing from each other. Is it your significant other? A close friend? A family member?
Out of all the things we do every single day, do we take the time to really keep in touch with each other? When we ask, "How are you?" are we looking for more of a response than, "I'm good"? Do we consistently keep in touch with the people who matter the most to us? Do we take time out of our routines and schedules to really care about each other? Do we communicate beyond Facebook chat, comments, and "likes"?

recollection

2011-08-12T22:48:00.000-05:00

How our minds cling to memories. The past springs on us without warning. In the blink of an eye we're reminded of our triumphs and our failures.
I don't know if anyone else's mind works like this, but my brain attaches memories to many different things. Music, movies, food, colors, places, smells, sounds, etc. It works like this: *this is my brain talking* "Oh! I know this song! It was playing in so-and-so's car when we were traveling to so-and-so place during such-and-such month of last year. And we did..."
Sometimes the memories are more potent. I can't listen to a certain genre of music without thinking of a past relationship. Every time I hear a song by one of my favorite bands, I hear a certain person's voice singing along. Several movies (and the quotes and songs in those movies) bring to mind one certain person, either because we watched them together or they're both of our favorites. A card game reminds me of an awkward-ish day I spent with a friend.
My mind doesn't stop there though. It doesn't bring back just the one memory of the person or instance and leave it at that. Next it begins replaying every interaction, conversation, and moment inside of or concerning that memory. My past is laid out right in front of me with the mistakes blaring "I told you so!" and the achievements whispering "Congratulations!" The "I-wish-I-hads" and "I-shouldn't-haves" crowd my vision. Regrets and rewards bounce around in my head. My common sense is momentarily confused and I begin to question what I'm presently doing, worried if my past is going to repeat itself.
Push forward but don't bury the past. It's good to keep the past close at hand so we don't make the same mistakes twice, but don't dwell on it. Wallowing in remorse over things you or someone else has done is no way to live. Memories are precious, but strive to live in the present.

turning the page

2011-08-11T23:56:00.000-05:00

Feeling a little sad tonight. Why? I'm leaving my job. After four years of working at the daycare, I'm leaving. Why am I leaving? It's time for me to move on to something different.
Even though I'm excited about my new journey, I will still miss the kids terribly. "My kids". :) I know they're not biologically mine, and I'm certainly not trying to take them away from their parents. But that's what I've come to affectionately call them. "My kids" "My Bible Time kids" "My girls" "My boys" "The crazy children" :) I'm going to miss them.
Just to think that I've seen most of these kids nearly every weekday for the past four years, it blows my mind. I've watched them grow up. I remember their first days at daycare, their first days at preschool, their first days coming after school. Singing with them, playing games, bandaging boo-boos, holding and cuddling them when they're upset.
I've done very well about not crying about leaving the daycare. Not anymore though. The screen is blurry right now.
I'm going to miss them. Today one of the little boys was fighting to stay awake during rest time. I sat by his cot to try to quiet him down and get him to lay down and at least close his eyes. (I knew he was going to be super crabby the rest of the day if he didn't sleep for at least a little bit.) At one point he was lying half on the cot and half on my lap while I rubbed his back. And even though he had been so naughty trying to not fall asleep and was then draped over my lap, his eyes half-closed and his little mouth drooling on my leg, I couldn't help thinking, "I'm going to miss this."
I'm going to miss my co-workers too. We've kind of become a pseudo family of sorts. Even though we get stressed sometimes and occasionally get on each other's nerves, we still work splendidly together and support each other. We're not just co-workers, we're more than that. We help each other get our jobs done and we take care of each other.
God certainly blessed me with being able to work while going to school. I'm very thankful for Him giving me the job at the daycare. This is a difficult change to deal with and I know it's only going to become harder the closer it gets to being my last day at work. I will miss my co-workers and my kids a lot.
But what's the new adventure I'm diving into? I'm going to do what I went to school for. Photography. :)

fix me

2011-08-07T12:31:00.000-05:00

Have you ever wanted to fix someone? Help them? Heal them?
Have you ever wished someone would fix you? Are we to be forever broken and imperfect? A work in progress that never reaches completion?
Something to think about.

knack

2011-08-03T23:29:00.000-05:00

You are not inferior. You are yourself.
Don't wish you were like someone else. You can't ever be someone else.
Because you are you. That's how God made you.
Don't wish you had the talents and abilities of someone else. And don't try to have them.
Embrace your own God-given gifts and abilities.
Don't be scared. You'll be surprised at what you can do when you stop trying to measure up to other people and start cultivating your own talents.

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”

Dr. Seuss

hindsight

2011-07-31T23:52:00.001-05:00

I'm in the middle of switching over to Gmail for my e-mail. After importing all my contacts, I began sifting through them, correcting names and deleting out of date information or people I am no longer in touch with. Coming to a certain category of contacts, I realized, "Wow, I haven't kept in touch with any of these people for quite some time! I could delete this entire category without a second thought." It was mind boggling to think that these people I grew up with, who were once so close to me, now feel like complete strangers. We've grown and changed so much over the years, it's like we hardly know each other anymore. It makes me wonder what's going to happen in another almost ten years to the friendships and relationships I currently cherish so dearly. I deleted probably more than half the contacts in that certain category. I'm going to hold on to the rest for the time being...

streams

2011-07-21T21:10:00.001-05:00

Change can be a difficult thing to deal with, whether it's involuntary or not.
Our relationships with people can change in the blink of an eye, without any explanation. All of a sudden there's an impenetrable wall between you and them. You try to reach out and help, but the wall doesn't give. It seems like you will never be able to climb over the wall or break through it. Waiting to get through the wall is hard. Sometimes it hurts a lot and you ask yourself if you could have done something differently. Sometimes you wish things could be as they once were even though you know that will never fully happen. So in the end you sit at the bottom of the wall and wait patiently for them to throw over a rope or break down the wall on their own and let you back into their life.
Choosing to make a change could be an even scarier experience. You wonder if it's the right thing to do, if you're making a good choice, if you'll be able to handle what you're about to jump into. But sometimes it's just time for a change. Things have been one way for too long and it's time to step in a new direction. It's exciting and daunting at the same time. Thinking and procrastinating won't make it happen, so you have to take a breath and jump in with both feet.
In either of these situations, we can cling to God for strength and guidance. We can have comfort in knowing that He has something new in mind for us and it's even better than what we had before. He can pull us out of the most painful and dreary of situations and give us a new start.

Isaiah 43:16-19

16 This is what the LORD says—
he who made a way through the sea,
a path through the mighty waters,
17 who drew out the chariots and horses,
the army and reinforcements together,
and they lay there, never to rise again,
extinguished, snuffed out like a wick:
18 “Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
19 See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland.

tenderhearted

2011-07-15T23:40:00.001-05:00

"Is it possible to care too much? Where and how do you draw the line? When it starts to affect your daily life? When it becomes all you think about? When people don't respond?"
I've been thinking about this all day. Trying to determine if this quality is a fault or a blessing. Looking for answers.
Then I come home from work and going to the movies afterward with my dear friend to find the answer posted on my Facebook wall.

"Some people care too much, I think it's called love.
A. A. Milne
Winnie the Pooh"

The same dear friend I went to the movies with had posted this on my wall much earlier in the day. I was flabbergasted. Yes, that was the one answer to my many questions.
God created me to be an open and loving person. He made me soft and put lots of extra doses of love in my heart. Sadly, this also means that I burn easily when people hurt me or aren't receptive to the love I so freely dish out. But...

Me: It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, right?

Dear Friend: Right. A life without love is no life at all, and we can rejoice in our heartbreaks in the end knowing that in some way or another they led to something better.

I love my dear friend. I love my dear family. And even though I seem doomed to live a life where not everyone will be able to understand or appreciate how freely I care about people, I think I'm ok with that.

Now I'm just hoping God will bring along a special guy for me to be with who is just as open and caring as I am. I don't think I'd be content spending the rest of my life with any other kind of person.

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.

Ephesians 4:32

Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourself.

Romans 12:10

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, and in purity.

1 Timothy 4:12

hush

2011-07-04T21:27:00.000-05:00

Anticipation. Nervousness. Waiting.
Seems like we're all constantly waiting for something. Waiting to go somewhere. Waiting for something to happen. Waiting for someone. Waiting for things to change. Waiting for things to move on. Sometimes it's excited anticipation. Sometimes we're biting our nails worrying.
But honestly, what's with all the waiting and the worrying? Why not just enjoy where you are now and let things happen by themselves? Instead of being filled with trepidation, we should be filled with contentment. Instead of trying to figure out what's going to happen next, we should be enjoying the moment.
Trying to figure out how people are going to act, what's going to happen, worrying over what to do won't help anyone, especially yourself. If you've already done all you can to help the situation, it's time to give it up to God. He can handle it better than you anyways.
Excited anticipation, enjoying the present, having peace that God is in control. That's a better way to live instead of worrying all the time.

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
Matthew 11:28-30

And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?
Luke 12:25

tender

2011-06-26T20:15:00.000-05:00

I'm soft and impressionable.
I bruise easily and care too much.
Even though I have a hot temper, I eventually cool down and want to help those who hurt me.
I would like to gain allies instead of create enemies.
We all could use more friends and allies.

value

2011-06-21T22:17:00.000-05:00

How we treat each other influences us more than we might realize.
Encouraging words can make someone so incredibly happy.
A careless insult can crush someone's spirit.
How things are said (or not said) means more than the actual words used (or not used).
The ways we communicate say more than what's communicated.
Behavior and actions definitely speak louder than words.
Sometimes silence hurts more than any of the harmful things someone could say.
We're constantly interacting with each other, influencing each other.
It's how we take those influences, how we handle them that matters.
You can take good out of the bad, learn from negative experiences.
What have I learned?
I've learned a lot more about my value, my self-worth. I think that's a very important thing to know.

your turn

2011-06-18T00:34:00.000-05:00

To know the right thing to be done, the next step to take, and for it to not be up to you is frustrating. The ball isn't in your court, it's not your move, and you're not even sure if the other person wants to make the next move. You don't know if they understand what's going on or the importance of it. Maybe they don't know how to handle these kinds of things. What you do know though is that this next step is vital; you both (and those connected to y'all) will greatly benefit from it, be able to breathe easier. But does the other person know that too?

aloe therapy

2011-06-04T20:24:00.001-05:00

My nasty sunburn is beginning to peel. I'm terrible at remembering to put on sunscreen and it doesn't seem to help much anyways when I do. We're outside a lot the first week of summer hours at work, so every year it's inevitable that I will get burned. The raw skin is a little painful. All this peeling, stinging, and healing makes me think of something though.
Sometimes we think it's better to hold onto certain feelings, certain experiences. We bury ourselves in angst, pity, jealousy, guilt, and other bad feelings. For some reason we think doing this will make us feel good, maybe give us a purpose. But that's not true. Harboring thoughts and feelings like this only wounds us and those around us. What's better is getting rid of these feelings. Forgiving, apologizing, making amends, putting things to rights so we no longer have these feelings inside of us. Then the healing begins so healthy skin can grow. The bad feelings can be peeled off and we have a new beginning.
It's important to be healthy mentally, emotionally, and physically. So take care of your emotions, your friendships, your relationships, and remember to wear sunscreen. And if you're forgetful like me, aloe lotion works great on sunburns. :)

rain

2011-06-04T10:59:00.001-05:00

One of my new favorite songs. Set Fire To The Rain by Adele.

The lyrics are amazing and I can definitely relate to them. Plus her voice is phenomenal. :) I love both of her albums.

compadre

2011-06-03T00:19:00.000-05:00

Staying up late writing when I should be getting to bed at a decent time so I can wake up with enough time to get ready for work. I should do this more often.

Friends, acquaintances, the people you know. And the people you thought you knew. How many different types of friends and friendships are there?
The people you work with. You see them every day, but hardly ever outside your work environment.
People at church. You know their names but don't really socialize with them. Or they're friends of your family members or friends of friends, so you carry on casual conversation when needed but don't really feel close to them.
People you sit by in class for a semester, chat with, and then never see them again.
People you get along with really well in school and try to keep in touch with even after you've gone separate ways and don't have classes together anymore.
People you know through involvement in one organization or another, so you don't see them except for at events involving that organization.
People you see only one or twice a year because they live far away and/or they're part of that organization you're in and you only see them at the national events.
People who live in different states but you see them every few months when they come visit family nearby.
People you grew really close with during the high school years of your life, and now you don't see each other as often, but do your best to keep in touch.
People you thought you knew really well, you thought you could depend on them. But then you realize that's not true. The day I realized I had lost a friend that way was one of the saddest days I've ever experienced.
It was easier to maintain friendships when I lived in Texas. We were homeschooled and part of a big homeschool support group. I got to see kids my age all the time, kids with the same interests and family lives. Things got harder when we moved to Illinois. It's a different economy, a different culture and society. Homeschooling isn't as big here as it is where we lived in Texas. No support group, no kids my age that were also homeschooled who lived close by (try about two hours away instead). It was the middle of my freshman year of high school when we moved. I decided to remain homeschooled through high school. My sister went off to college less than a year after the move. I was sort of left to try to cultivate a social life on my own. Involvement in OAFC made that a bit easier, but I really only saw those people once a month and they lived too far away to get together with regularly. I was not part of the high school cliques in the youth group at my church, so it was hard to try to make friends there. I gave up eventually and went to the adult Bible class instead. I didn't go to the public high school. I didn't sit in classrooms with the same kids for four years. I didn't get together with friends after school to do stuff. I didn't help classmates study and they didn't help me. I didn't go to prom or attend sport events or any other public high school activities. I was an outsider. I was a class of one. I wasn't part of the seclusive high school social life that went on around me. And I was fine with that for the most part. I had friends in OAFC and I figured that if the kids in town weren't open to being my friend that it was them who were missing out and not me. I look around now though and kind of wonder. Most of the people I know live an hour or more away from me and a lot of them are in a completely different state. I'm not really close to anyone who lives close to me. I don't have a pool of friends from high school to draw on to do things with like go to the movies or hang out or help each other with things. And there's not many people around here close to my age that I can be friends with. They're all off at college and whatnot. I'm not joking when I tell people I don't have much of a social life.
So what does all this mean? I wish I had more friends that lived closer to me.

endeavor

2011-05-21T19:12:00.000-05:00

Ever since about the middle of September I've been romantically attached to someone in one way or another. (And if I'm going to be completely honest, it's gone on for even longer than that.)
Why? Why am I constantly in a state of attachment? Why do I feel the need to be attached, accepted, approved of? Is it due to lack of confidence in myself? Lack of faith in God's love for me?
Yes, I like to be told I look pretty. For as long as I can remember, my Dad has told me nearly every Sunday when we get dressed up for church that I look pretty. Doesn't everyone like to be appreciated and loved?
During the course of our conversation, someone I know said that he doesn't care about what people think of him. I responded by saying that I try to not care and he quickly cut in with, "But you do!" I said, "Yes. That's why I said I try not to."
It's true. I do care what people think. And I really wish I didn't. "What are they thinking?" "Should I have not said that?" "Should I have done something different?" "If I say 'no' what will happen?"
I like to be different. I don't want to go along with what everyone else is doing. I don't want to follow the crowd or the trends. I have my own thoughts, my own beliefs, and they're not the same as everybody else's. I shouldn't be afraid to be myself, to be different. But sometimes I am. Because I want approval. My want of acceptance overrides the need to be myself.
At this time I'm not attached to anyone. And it actually feels really great. My want of approval and fear of rejection is in the back of my mind. I need to be myself by myself for a while. Yeah, I've said this before. And this whole post is sounding sort of familiar. I guess I need to constantly be reminded that I don't need to be attached to someone all the time. That being myself by myself is very good for me. Gives me a chance to focus on other things: my relationship with God, my family, my friends, my passions. I can work on things like building up my self-confidence, not craving the approval of others, becoming stronger in my faith. I need to be healthy mentally and emotionally before I enter another relationship endeavor.

can't compute

2011-05-19T21:42:00.000-05:00

It's amazing how you can know so perfectly, so surely how you feel about things and people, what you think of them, your opinions and beliefs. And there are songs or Bible verses that so accurately capture how you feel, think, and believe. It's so beautiful and good.
Then it's gone. Something changes, something leaves, something breaks. And you don't know anymore. It's a mess and it can't be sorted out. Sometimes you see it coming, but other times it strikes out of nowhere and that makes it even worse.
You want to understand, you want to make sense of it all. You don't know whether to blame yourself or someone else, whether you should be mad or have pity. You don't want to get all cliche' and say, "God, why me?" but that's how you feel. Why me? Why this? Why now?
God doesn't mean for us to understand everything that happens, everything He does. At times it's easy to accept that. Other times you just really wish that you did understand, that you did know why something happened. You want to be able to make sense of it all. But maybe He doesn't tell us everything for a reason. Maybe He doesn't mean for us to understand something for a reason. Maybe He knows we wouldn't be able to handle it or comprehend it. Maybe He hides certain things from us because He loves us.
I don't know everything. I don't understand everything. And honestly, I'm glad for that. My brain wouldn't be able to handle it. My brain can hardly handle complicated things like math. It would explode if I tried to understand everything that happens, why Goes does what He does. I might not understand it all, but He does. And that's just one of the many reasons for me to believe in Him, trust in Him, and praise Him.

blessings

2011-05-11T10:02:00.000-05:00

A great song they play on the radio. Thank you to my dear friend who reminded me of it last night.

Here she talks about the story behind "Blessings".

i will love you for you

2011-05-09T21:20:00.000-05:00

who will love me for me?
not for what I have done or what I will become
who will love me for me?
‘cause nobody has shown me what love
what love really means, what love really means

I will love you for you
not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
the love that you never knew

21

2011-05-08T23:20:00.000-05:00

Friday I turn 21.
My sister was married a few months before she turned 21. My mother also got married when she was young.
Me? I'm not really anywhere close to getting married. Yes, I do have a lot of interest in a certain someone, but there's no rush. I told myself a while ago that I shouldn't feel pressured to get married young just because my mom and my sister did. I'm a different person than they are.
Why all this recent thinking about my future and getting married and having kids and such? I'm not sure. But I suppose it's good to think about your future. As long as you don't plan out exactly how you want it to happen. It is nice to hope for things, but God will have things happen when they're supposed to.
Lots of thinking about God leading my life lately too. I suppose that's something I need to work on. Sometimes I try to do things by myself or have a "don't care" attitude and just let things happen. I should care what happens in my life but I shouldn't try to control everything.
So yeah, I'm turning 21 on Friday. What do I have to show for my life so far? I've worked at the same daycare since my senior year of high school. I'll be receiving my certificate in photography this summer since completing all the required classes. I want to start a little photography business but don't really have the means to do that right now. I'm highly involved in Ongoing Ambassadors For Christ on both a local and national basis. I'm still living with my parents, which I'm fine with. I would have a small place of my own if I could, but I know I can't afford it. This summer promises full-time hours at the daycare and lots of lesson planning for me to do for my Bible Time class with the K-6th grade kids.
There's other things in my life besides work and school, more important things. Mistakes and triumphs. New ideas explored. Friends made, friends lost, and some friendships repaired. Really good relationships, some that get put on hold for a bit. Flawed relationships. Things I'm not proud I did. I say that these are more important than work and school because I think it's experiences like these, the things we do and mess up and learn from that more define who we are than our social or educational or financial status.
I think what's most important of all though is that I've grown. I've learned from mistakes and cherished the happy moments. I've learned to be honest, to forgive, to stand up for myself, and to talk to God and the people I love more. I'm continually learning to rely on God more than I already do. We'll never learn everything, we'll never be perfect, we'll never be totally amazing Christians who don't ever mess up. Life is just one big learning process. And we have the greatest Teacher ever to guide the way.
I also like to think that life is a dance and God can guide us through all of the steps. :)

i'm not a mom

2011-05-08T14:39:00.000-05:00

As one of my co-workers was going home Friday evening, she wished us all a Happy Mother's Day. The wish was accepted and echoed by my other co-workers. I quietly (and humorously) said, "I'm not a mom..." (This co-worker is a good sport with a great sense of humor, so I knew she would have fun with it.) She goes, "Oh, well, Happy Pretty Girl Day then," and laughs.
Three of my co-workers are mothers (One of them is having her first child this month! We're all so excited to meet the sweet little girl!) and two of my other co-workers are mothers and grandmothers. Then there's three of us who aren't close to having children any time soon but still care for the kids so much.
My mom pointed out to me today that even though I don't have any children of my own, I might be more of a mom to the children at the daycare than I realize. I agreed. "To some of those kids I might be the closest thing to a mom they've ever had." Daycares, babysitters, and nannies certainly are not replacements for mothers. For those children though who are without a mommy kind of person at home, they can provide some of the love and stability they so desperately need from a mommy-like figure.
I really look forward to the day God blesses me and my future husband with children. Before I started working at the daycare I used to say things like, "I want to have like five kids and then adopt three more and be a foster parent or something!" Taking care of the kids at work put into perspective what it would be like to have that many children. "Ok, maybe like two or three kids would be good..." One day I told a co-worker, "I hope I have at least one girl so I can braid her hair like I do for the girls here." She said, "Oh, I wanted a girl too. I ended up with three boys though."
You know what? I don't know how many children I'll have or whether they'll be boys or girls. (There's even a chance I won't get married or for some reason won't be able to have children.) God knows though. He knows how many children my future husband and I will have (if it's His will that I'll get married), He knows if they'll be boys or girls, He knows if we'll adopt kids or not. Best of all, He'll bless us with however many children we can handle. That's very comforting. So if I do end up with seven kids or something like that, I know that God knows I can take care of them.
Thank God for all the mothers and grandmothers out there. And thank Him for all the women who are mothers to children who aren't biologically theirs.

clear for takeoff

2011-05-07T23:01:00.000-05:00

Have you ever seen those bumper stickers or t-shirts with the phrase "Jesus Is My Co-Pilot" on them?
Load. Of. Crap. (Please pardon the language. It's due to disappointment with myself.)
He's not the "co-pilot". He's THE pilot. The only One.
I think we forget that sometimes. Myself more than anyone.

No, I'm not catholic. But I thought this was a nice picture. And it's the only even slightly Christian-themed one I could find.

open

2011-05-03T12:57:00.000-05:00

Sometimes we run from God. We run from His plans for us. We fight with Him. We resist what He's trying to do in our lives. I'm guilty of that.
I've been told that I should be a pastor's wife. Not recently and not just once though. I was 17 the first time someone told me I should be a pastor's wife, that I would be great as a pastor's wife. Since then different people at different times have echoed that same thought (fact). I haven't told many people about it and when I do I say it jokingly. It never fails though: every time I tell someone I've been told I should be a pastor's wife, they quickly and heartily agree.
At times I've done a good job of running in the opposite direction of this sentiment. I've used my interests, my attitude, the people I've dated, and other things to point myself in a different way. It never lasts long though. I bounce from one end of the spectrum to the other. I lean towards God's will and then quickly jump away. Back and forth, up and down. I get myself so confused as to where I am spiritually and mentally.
You'd think all this jumping around would get me so exhausted that I would finally just throw my hands up and say, "Ok, God. I'm done fighting. Let's do this." I'm stubborn and sinful though. Even the times I do almost give up control to God, I turn away again. I make myself open to the possibility of God wanting me to be a pastor's wife and then get scared. I close myself up and ignore Him.
We use petty excuses for ignoring God's will. "I'm not good enough to be a pastor's wife." "That would be too hard, I wouldn't be able to handle it." "There are other women better suited for something like that." Those are some of the excuses I've used. And those excuses show that I'm not trusting God with this. If I think I'm not good enough, that I can't handle it, that's like saying God doesn't have the ability to see His will through, to help me handle it.
I'm still not 100% sure if God's calling me to be a pastor's wife, I'm not able to give up control quite yet. There's a lot more praying to be done.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11
(A Bible verse that's used probably way too much, but it really is true.)

near to the rhythm of love

2011-04-26T09:35:00.000-05:00

More music time. :)
Here's Near To You by A Fine Frenzy.
(I like how they have the lyrics in this video but not the cheesy clip ins of images.)

Now for something a little more upbeat. Rhythm Of Love by Plain White T's. I really love this song and was very excited when I finally found out who sings it! Some of their other songs are also favorites of mine. :)

she's got to be friends

2011-04-18T22:51:00.000-05:00

She's Got You High by Mumm-ra

We're Going To Be Friends by The White Stripes

Music makes me happy. :)

worship

2011-04-07T21:38:00.000-05:00

Here's something I've been thinking about: music in church.
I really do love the "good ol' Lutheran hymns" we use in church. I grew up singing and listening to them, so they hold nostalgia and spiritual significance for me. The lyrics are really great and very poetic when you take the time to really pay attention to them. But that's what I'm kind of caught on right now. The words are so beautiful and perfect for worshiping God, but I find that I'm more concerned with singing the notes correctly than with what the lyrics are saying. Maybe this is because it seems like hardly anyone in my church actually sings the hymns so I feel like I have to sing out more to make up for it. Some of the hymns are difficult to sing, especially if you're not musically inclined to being with.
Last month I went to a Chris Tomlin concert with my now boyfriend and a couple other friends. You can read about it here. No hymnals, no notes to follow, just a whole bunch of people worshiping God by singing songs we've listened to on the radio and following the words projected on the screens. The words were simple and taken directly from God's Word. It was a much more free version of worship than what happens in church. I wasn't concerned with singing the songs correctly and I certainly wasn't the only one singing. I grew up going to traditional church services so I've always been a little wary of contemporary services. I guess because they're different from what I'm used to and I was influenced by very anti-contemporary worship mindsets which gave me a negative view of contemporary worship. But at the concert I found myself thinking, "Man, I wish going to church could be like this." No holding back, no half-empty church, no one mumbling the words to the songs. It was just completely free worship of God and it was beautiful.
I do like going to my Lutheran church and I do like the hymns, but sometimes I feel restrained in worship. And if I'm supposed to praise God with everything I have and give Him my all, how can I do that when I feel held back?

But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble
Psalm 59:16

I will praise thee, O LORD, with my whole heart; I will show forth all thy marvellous works.

Psalm 9:1

cherishable

2011-03-24T10:38:00.000-05:00

To be cherished and treasured just the way we are. That's how God loves us. We are the most sinful and imperfect people ever, totally undeserving of His grace and love. But God continues to love us unconditionally. And when He brings someone into our lives who sees us the same way God sees us, it's beautiful. We shouldn't be criticized or told to change how God has made us. We should love, encourage, and care for each other. To be cherished and treasured. That's how it should be.

But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Romans 5:8

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, My power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
2 Corinthians 12:9

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed
for His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is Your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:22-23

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
Ephesians 4:29

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins.
1 Peter 4:8

Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.
Romans 12:10

little ones

2011-03-21T14:11:00.000-05:00

I really love my job at the daycare. :)
Friday I was helping the older boys fingerpaint monsters and aliens. Once I got them set up with their papers and paints I sat down next to one of them and started painting my own alien. The boy said to me, "Miss Laura, you're so cool. You're not like the other teachers." I told him it's because I'm awesome.
Today one of the little girls came up to me when I was tying someone's shoe. She brushed the hair out of my face and kissed me on the cheek. Such a sweetie.

the inevitable

2011-03-18T09:47:00.000-05:00

Ignoring something doesn't make it go away or not happen. Whether good or bad, the inevitable will always come to pass. It's God's will.
Sometimes we ignore what God's trying to do because we think we know better what's good for us. Then when we finally surrender to His will, we discover just how wonderful His plan is and that we were silly to resist.
Other times we know something is bound to happen but we pretend it won't because it will be difficult to deal with. You can pretend and daydream all you want, but if it's God's will, then we better just take it as it comes and rely on Him for strength.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

sunshine

2011-03-16T10:10:00.000-05:00

Someone who makes you so unbelievably happy that you can't describe it without bouncing up and down and smiling... it's the best thing ever. :)

wait and see

2011-03-08T09:31:00.000-06:00

Music time! :)
This is Brandon Heath. He's pretty awesome. These are two of my favorite songs of his: "I'm Not Who I Was" and "Wait And See". His music has a simple but direct style. I want to delve into his newest album "Leaving Eden".

Yep, God's not finished with me yet. I tell my friends that I've enjoyed seeing them grow and mature in their faith and that I can't wait to see what God does in their lives. But I never took the time to think that about myself. It's true though. I've come a long way. I'm not the person I used to be (not even a year ago) and God is still working on me. I can't wait to see what He does. :)

say cheese

2011-03-03T19:58:00.000-06:00

No class next week because my teacher will be out of town. No class the week after because it's spring break. It's a self-paced class pretty much. He gave us the list of chapters we're to complete from Adobe Photoshop Classroom In A Book and every time we complete a chapter we give him the PSD to grade while we take a quiz on the chapter. He then grades the quiz and writes the final grades on our paper used to track our progress. After we complete the chapters we're to select some photoshop tutorials online and complete them. Then we use what we learned in the tutorials to create a final project. Sounds pretty straightforward, and it is. But I'm finishing things so fast. I have one more chapter to do and study before starting on the tutorials and final project. I want to hold off on starting the tutorials until I can talk to my teacher a little more about what he expects from us for that part of the course. So pretty much I have stuff to do but can't do it right now and I'm getting kind of bored... I need to better occupy my time... One thing I've started doing to help occupy myself is one of those "take a picture every day for an entire year" things. I'm hoping that it will give me something to do and keep me creatively stimulated. It's called Multiple Day of Photos. Yeah, pretty creative *sarcasm*. I didn't want to call it "My 365 Project" like a bunch of other people have, so that's what I came up with. Yep. Feel free to follow my journey. I'm only three days into it right now, but I intend to see it all the way through. Wish me luck!

not enough

2011-03-01T09:50:00.000-06:00

Revisiting one of my favorite music artists today. Jason Mraz. :)

I cannot listen to his music enough. I have his album We Sing. We Dance. We Steal Things. and I really love it. It's hard for me to pick just one song as a favorite. Lucky featuring Colbie Caillat and I'm Yours make the favorites list along with Love For A Child and Details In The Fabric. If It Kills Me and A Beautiful Mess are also favorites. Yeah, that's about half the songs on the album and all the others are really good too! His music is relaxed, fun, creative, and beautiful.

second look

2011-02-22T21:32:00.000-06:00

I confuse myself.
I've always been a firm believer that things like personality and character trump outward appearances. How someone dresses and presents himself/herself isn't as important as their morals and beliefs. It's not all about looks.
This is a little hard for me to remember sometimes because I'm an extremely visual person. I'm hyper aware of how things look, how they appeal to myself and others, the kinds of messages they're communicating, et cetera. This visual focus is a great asset in my photography pursuits.
I also tend to put a lot of thought into my wardrobe, what I wear when, and how I do my hair and makeup. I know that outside appearances should not define a person, but at the same time, there are people who do put a lot of stock into appearances. And I know that if I am going to start a photography business, I need to maintain a certain level of professionalism when meeting with clients and working photo shoots. That professionalism depends on, among other things, my appearance.
It's my constant internal struggle: Outward appearances should not matter, but I am visually stimulated to no end.

so much more

2011-02-22T16:04:00.002-06:00

This song speaks for itself.

You are beautiful.

treats

2011-02-19T12:06:00.003-06:00

I'm a little excited right now. :) I've gone and splurged on some clothing items for myself. In most people's eyes it's probably not seen as a "splurge" because the items were very reasonably priced. But I'm the kind of person that saves every bit of money I can and doesn't buy something unless I really need it. These were "wants" and not "needs" and that's why I'm excited! I rarely treat myself to such things.
The first is a pair of blue knit fingerless gloves from Amazon. My hands are always cold no matter what time of year it is. The sleeves of my jackets and long sleeve shirts are stretched out from constantly pulling them over my hands. Also, my hands get cold when I spend hours on the computer editing images. So I think these will work nicely. They do sort of fall into the "need" category, but it's a need I've been putting off for quite a while. A friend of mine suggested looking at the gloves in the bicycle section of Wal-Mart and other such stores. I'll check into that too next time I'm in the area.
The second splurge is a couple of t-shirts from The Swell Season. I'm on their mailing list and they sent out a message yesterday saying all their t-shirts are 50% off through Sunday. Only once have I bought a band t-shirt (Family Force 5 at Agape Festival last year) and I really like The Swell Season, so I jumped at the opportunity. I bought the green trailer t-shirt and the black and blue zebra t-shirt. I really like the designs of all the things they have in their store. They even have cute little toddler size t-shirts! Their posters are awesome too. I'm going to keep those in mind for the next time I feel like indulging. :)
So yep, those are my once in a blue moon gifts to myself. They'll be arriving in the mail within the next week or so. I'm very excited!!

stevenson

2011-02-17T22:47:00.000-06:00

I really love this book. It's always been a favorite of mine. The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and The Pavillion On The Links are the stories I like the most from this book. I've checked it out from the library so many times, I ought to just buy a copy. There's something special though about old books. Reading a story from a brand new book isn't the same as reading it from a volume loved and cherished for several years. I love old books. :)

fairy tale

2011-02-13T19:51:00.002-06:00

I'm not one of those girls that absolutely loves romantic chick flick kind of movies. (I don't even like the color pink.) However, there are a select few that I enjoy, including Beauty and the Beast. You have to have at least one favorite animated Disney movie, right? :)
There's a movie coming out in March that's sort of a modern take on Beauty and the Beast. It's called Beastly and I'm kind of interested in it. Yeah, I know, remaking such a classic tale could easily be a flop, especially if you're attempting to modernize it.
There are a couple other things that make me wonder how well this movie will go over. Vanessa Hudgens stars as the "Belle" character while Mary-Kate Olsen portrays the "wicked witch" who curses the poor Beast. Nothing against these two actresses, but I don't highly value their acting skills. I haven't seen Vanessa in anything that's not High School Musical-esque and was never a big fan of the Olsen twins' work. But hey, maybe they'll surprise me and do a fantastic job! I haven't really heard of the actor who plays the "beast", Alex Pettyfer, so I don't have an opinion on him, but he's in another new movie coming out: I Am Number Four.
What drew me to Beastly is how they portray the "beast", how they disfigure him.

Look at the intricate and artistic designs on his skin! I really like it. It's such a unique take on disfigurement. Like, it's so strange and slightly grotesque that it's beautiful. If they have such talented people in the make up department and artistic direction of their movie, they have to be doing something right. I'm hoping this is a sign that the acting, script, and plot will be up to snuff. If it is, this movie could take a place among my other few favorite chick flicks. We'll have to wait until March to find out! (Or if what usually happens in my house happens again, I won't get to see it while it's still in theaters and I'll have to wait until it comes out on DVD.)

date night

2011-02-08T15:29:00.000-06:00

Looking back on the past two years of my life, I realized something.

I was always wanting to be with someone.

I wasn't happy with being single. The entire time either I was looking for someone or well-meaning individuals were encouraging me to look for someone and/or trying to set me up with someone.
I know that God created men and women to be together. He instituted marriage, created the opposite sexes to support and love each other, to have families and teach them of His love. I know that God put all of that into motion. But the Bible also says it's ok to be single as long as you're not burning with lust and tempted to do things that should be saved for when you're married.
So, shouldn't I be content with being myself by myself? At least for now while I wait for God's plans to unfold?

bounce

2011-02-07T23:05:00.000-06:00

January was a hard month. I dealt with difficult situations and emotions I had never experienced before. And I'm pretty sure all the stress contributed to me getting sick not once but twice last month. (I'm not one who gets sick easily.)
I'm pulling through though. Rebuilding myself mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Getting myself to a place better than "normal". Painting helps. Writing helps. Listening to music and singing helps. It's people that help the most though. Family and friends have been invaluable. And lots of prayer.
OAFC this past weekend was just what I needed. It was like back in the old days when I was the only guitarist in the South East Illinois group. A nice weekend with a small group of people that all worked splendidly together. And I pretty much was the only guitarist. It was a really great weekend.
There were times when I felt like I wasn't all there, that part of me was missing, or that I was distanced from everyone. But I pulled myself out of that hole of self pity, not wanting to sink to the bottom like I had last month. Sometime between the beginning of the first church service and the end of Sunday school, I was consistently and genuinely happy again. We completed the second church service and enjoyed the potluck with the church members afterward, and it was all wonderful. I was thriving in the atmosphere, euphoric to be with friends and among such amazing and loving people. I miss them so much.
I'm still not 100% back to where I was before, and my goal is to be better than I was before. It's a process. It takes time, support from those around you, and help from God. With His help, I'm going to be better than ever. Just watch. :)

for you

2011-02-02T23:35:00.000-06:00

Yep, another post about music. Nothing wrong with that. :)

Giving Up by Ingrid Michaelson

What if we stop having a ball?
What if the paint chips from the wall?
What if there's always cups in the sink?
What if I'm not what you think I am?

What if I fall further than you?
What if you dream of somebody new?
What if I never let you win, chase you with a rolling pin?
Well what if I do?

I am giving up on making passes and
I am giving up on half empty glasses and
I am giving up on greener grasses
I am giving up

What if our baby comes home after nine?
What it your eyes close before mine?
What if you lose yourself sometimes? Then I'll be the one to find you
Safe in my heart

I am giving up on making passes and
I am giving up on half empty glasses and
I am giving up on greener grasses
I am giving up

I am giving up
I am giving up
I am giving up on greener grasses

I am giving up for you
I am giving up for you
I am giving up

paper cup

2011-01-30T23:08:00.001-06:00

This is not the first time I've raved about these guys.
I really do love The Swell Season. Glen Hansard, Marketa Irglova, and the rest of the musicians who make up the band are really brilliant. They are truly gifted. And yet, their music maintains a level of simplicity and honesty that just blows me away.

Paper cup
You've got no worries, got no
Got no dog in this fight
Paper plane
Take this note straight to her
If her heart's still in the fight

Maybe time will decide
The restless spirit can't survive
On breadcrumb trails no more

Paper saint
Would you hear her when she calls
You got no dog in this fight

Paper bird
Take this offering from her hands
A simple trail back to the light

Maybe time will provide
Give you the strength to decide
I hope it's not too late

Maybe time will decide
The restless spirit can't survive
On breadcrumb trails no more

Maybe time will provide
Give you the strength to decide
You know it's not too late

Paper cup
Ain't got no worries, got no
Got no dog in this fight

Ain't got no worries, got no
Got no dog in this fight

nerdiness

2011-01-27T22:11:00.001-06:00

What exactly is the definition of the word "nerd"? What does it mean to be "nerdy"? There are many different descriptions floating around on the Internet.
Merriam-Webster nerd: an unstylish, unattractive, or socially inept person; especially : one slavishly devoted to intellectual or academic pursuits
Wikipedia has an entire page devoted to the description of what a nerd is.
Urban Dictionary has several fantastic definitions! One of my favorites is "An individual persecuted for his superior skills or intellect, most often by people who fear and envy him."
So it seems to me that there are two big categories of being a nerd. One is for people who are super smart academically, and the other is for people who are enthusiastic about things that have been labeled "nerdy". "Nerdy" things could be certain kinds of movies, books, activities, etc. Both categories include being a social outcast of sorts, or at least not wanting to socialize much. Of course, someone could fall into both categories. If they did, would they be double nerdy?
I was talking to a good friend of mine, and he said that he spends what little free time he has doing excessively nerdy stuff, which in his case involves anime and video games. I assured him there was nothing wrong with "excessively nerdy stuff." It's what makes him who he is. :)
The farthest my slightly nerdy side extends is Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, and certain pieces of classic literature. Not really that far, my friend pointed out. Yeah, but I can at least fake being nerdy when I need to. I'm really more artsy than nerdy.
A good number of my friends and acquaintances fall into the "nerd" category. They're so fun to be around! Their deep knowledge of random subjects and the specific and unique things they're interested in entertain me to no end. They're a great wealth of creative inspiration. I love the nerdy friends of mine that fully embrace the way they are, how people view them, and just roll with it. They know they're a bit odd, and they're perfectly fine with that. They make me happy. :)
So now the question is, what makes you a nerd?

happysong

2011-01-24T00:22:00.000-06:00

This song makes me smile. :) I like her music a lot.

time

2011-01-20T23:11:00.000-06:00

I am wind

I am the sand

I am skin

I am a woman

And I'm fine

'Cause I deserve

The time to feel hurt

Katie Thompson - It Doesn't Hurt

So please,

Let me be free from you

And please, let me be free

I can face the truth

Secondhand Serenade - Pretend

And I feel fine

But I know the same does not apply to you

Yeah, I know the same does not apply to you

So I guess that I'll curl up and die too

Relient K - Curl Up and Die

treasure

2011-01-16T23:18:00.000-06:00

Is it possible to be too forgiving? Too soft? To let people off too easy? I think so. And I think I've done that.
Don't let someone belittle you, criticize you, make you feel like you're less than you are. Don't let someone damage your confidence.
Hold on to your value, to your worth. The worth that you have from being a child of God.
Pastor said in his sermon this morning that we all have value. However, our value is not based on our abilities, but on the fact that we are made in God's image, we are His creations, we are fearfully and wonderfully made.
A friend asked me if I was ok, if I was hurting. I said I wasn't. But honestly, I am. I was denying it, but it's true, it still hurts.
Forgiveness is good. Forgive the people that have hurt you. Forgive them, let go of the hate, and let go of the person.
"I don't care what that person thinks. I think you're beautiful." That is the best thing anyone has ever told me.

glue

2011-01-15T13:29:00.001-06:00

Knowing what you want to do and that you don't have the means to do it is frustrating. I can't afford the professional camera gear that I really need to start a business. I have talent, I know I can do that kind of job, but I just don't have the amenities right now. I've done a lot of great volunteer photography for OAFC, I've completed school assignments wonderfully, I've even done two small photo shoots for a couple of high school seniors. I know I have the talent. I just don't have the equipment or the money to acquire it.
Having talents that you know are special and could be used but not knowing what to do with them is also frustrating. I know I'm very capable and can do lots of things. I can work with children, take photos, I can sew, I can write, I'm creative, I'm artistic. But I don't know what to do with all those abilities, how to organize myself to get the most out of my gifts. I can do so many things, my brain is pulled in so many directions.
I've always loved working with children, being around children. I know I couldn't handle being a full time teacher for nine months out of the year. I can barely handle working full time as a daycare provider over the summer. But I love children, and I know I'm good at being with kids, keeping them entertained, teaching them, taking care of them.
As stated at the beginning, I love photography. I really enjoyed my photography classes. I know I'm very capable in that field. I just can't afford to start myself off. I'm stuck.
I've been sewing since I was about eight years old. I love sewing, especially making dresses. I've made some wonderful blankets too. I love the feeling of knowing that I've created something all by myself and that no one else has anything like it. Refurbishing old clothing, tailoring and fitting is wonderful too. Making something useful and wearable that before was rejected, it's amazing!
Writing has always been a favorite thing of mine. I loved writing papers and such in school. And reading. Seeing how other people put together words and describe things. I love it! I could be some kind of writer. I'm not sure what kind, but I know I have the abilities for something in that area. I could write for a magazine or something maybe. Maybe not a full blown author kind of person, someone that writes books and books and books. I don't think I could do that. I could handle articles though I think.
I like making things, unique things, things that no one else has seen or thought of before. My brain is constantly running, thinking about how things are made, what they would look like if they were changed a little bit, or the process someone went through to create them. I have so many ideas running through my head all at once that I don't know which to act on first. I get ideas for painting, drawing, sewing, photographs, writing. I don't even consider myself to be good at drawing and painting, but I still come up with those kinds of ideas. It's like my brain is exploding, but it's all contained, because I don't know how to let it out.
*sigh*
I wonder if anyone else feels this way. They're so full of potential and talent but don't know what to do with themselves!
I want to start a photography business. But I can't really afford it right now. So I need to generate extra income. How do I do that? I work at the daycare, that's stable income for me. But I need something more. Perhaps I can use some of my other talents to generate more income? Maybe? I'd like to do more than just photography. I need to organize my talents and abilities and see what I can do, what's plausible.
I feel like I'm stuck. I hope I can figure something out.

construction

2011-01-12T22:41:00.000-06:00

It's interesting how differently you see people when you look at them from a new perspective.
What was once bright, shiny, and perfect is now dusty, murky, and questionable. Or the other way around.
Kind of like looking through a clean window or a new pair of glasses.
The assumptions you make when you first meet people can be so inaccurate. You assume the best or worst and find out you're completely wrong.
Never assume anything. That's the lesson I seem to be re-learning my entire life so far. And it's a good thing to remember.
Don't assume things about people's character. Don't assume something will or won't happen. Don't assume certain people will always be there for you. Don't assume you're alone when you're having troubles. Don't assume things will or won't change. Don't assume you're stuck in a situation you don't like; you can always change it if you really want to.

knowledge is breadsticks

2011-01-04T23:47:00.000-06:00

Things I've Learned:

Don't sell yourself short. Don't settle for second-best.

Don't expect people to change because most of the time they won't.

Go to OAFC as often as possible. If you don't then your priorities will get messed up.

Getting dark room chemicals on your hands and then wiping them on your pants is almost as effective as actually washing your hands.

Don't let negative comments damage your self-esteem or cause you to try to change yourself.

Embrace artistry and creativity. Give it every chance possible to flourish.

Plan more last minute get-togethers with friends.

Aperture, shutter speed, and ISO are less a mystery to me now as they were last year. But they're still numbers, so they still confuse me sometimes.

Sing more. A lot more. Just do it.

I have the flu right now. It's not fun.

Doing what you love makes life a million times better.

Maintain relationships with those select special friends that you might get to see only once or twice a year. The ones that when you do get to see each other, it feels like no time has gone by at all, and you pick up right where you left off, like you had seen each other just last week. Those friends probably mean the most to you out of all the people you know.

I was going to call this "knowledge is power" but thought that was too cliche. So I changed it to "knowledge is breadsticks".

fbook

2010-12-09T10:07:00.000-06:00

Facebook is kind of ridiculous sometimes. Most of the time, actually. And in many different ways.

Layout.
The layout changes almost constantly. I've lost track of how many times they've reformatted things since I got on Facebook more than three years ago. Yeah, you eventually get used to the changes, and sometimes they are better than what was there before, but it's still annoying how often things change.

Statuses.
Those silly chain statuses. Right now there's a "number" thing going on. "Message me a number and I'll put it on my status and tell you what I think of you." Ok... what is the point to this? Then there are ones with this kind of logic going on: "97% of people on Facebook are too afraid to say they're a Christian. Will you be part of the 3% that aren't afraid? If you believe in God, post this as your status." You know those statistics are made up, right? And there are much better ways to show your love for God than by following silly trends in Facebook statuses. "If you have an amazing mother/father/sister/brother/cousin/friend, post this as your status, because it's national amazing mother/father/sister/brother/cousin/friend day!" That's most likely made up too, it being a national day for such people. Nothing wrong with letting people know you love them and care about them, but there are better, more meaningful ways to do that than with a short blip on your status. Then there's the people who publish their every move, their entire schedule on their status. "I'm about to go to biology class, then meeting up with friends for lunch at Panera, hitting the gym across from school before going to work at the theater, can't wait to get back to the apartment for movie night!!" Did you know that's a good way for someone to stalk you? And I'm not talking about just the friendly stalking we do to each other on Facebook, but malicious stalking, someone possibly following your every move in order to find the best time to hurt you. Don't think it's silly. It has happened.

Games.
I'm not really big on computer and video games, so maybe that's why this annoys me. The people who play several different games on Facebook, post the updates on their profile, and send requests to every single "friend" to join the game. Thank goodness you can block games from your newsfeed and block the requests. I would go insane if I couldn't do that. I use Facebook primarily for keeping in touch with people, not for the mindless entertainment provided by the games on there, so I don't really care to hear about imaginary farms, cafes, and other such things.

Photos.
I love looking at photos on Facebook. It's another way of keeping in touch, and being a fledgling photographer, I'm interested in them from a photographic and artistic aspect as well. What I don't like though is when people post every single photo they've taken. I'm not talking about posting a billion photos, because I do that too. What I'm talking about are the people who don't take the time to weed out the blurry, grainy, pointless, and just plain bad photos when they upload. If you can't tell what something is in a photo because of distortion due to blurriness and such, then why are you putting it up there? If you have two similar photos of the same subject but one is better than the other, then just upload the good one, there's no reason to put the bad one up. Or if there is a nondescript photo that is distorted but meaningful to you, at least put up a caption explaining what it is. I used to be the person who would upload every single photo, bad and good, but I've learned to be more selective, and part of that is because of my photography classes. So it's probably due to my photographic experience why this annoys me. But think of it like this: If you wouldn't buy a print of a photo due to blurriness, grain, overexposure, underexposure, bad use of flash, or just because it's a bad photo, why would you upload it for the whole world to see?

"Friends."
It's very easy to acquire a lot of "friends" on Facebook. The "best friend" you had in high school twenty years ago, the kid you sat by and joked with in that one class last semester, the person you met at the grocery store, your third cousin twice removed who you met at the reunion five years ago and haven't spoken to since. How many of your "friends" on Facebook do you keep in touch with currently, on a regular basis? Do you comment on each other's things constantly, more than the little random "That's cool!" or "I agree." comments? Do you send messages back and forth, actually inquiring how the other is doing, updating each other personally on what's going on in your lives? I've recently started sifting through my list of "friends" every week or two and removing people. If I haven't heard from you in the past year or two and we hardly talked the last time we saw each other, you're most likely removed. If you're the friend of a friend and I've never actually met you in person, you're most likely removed. Two or three weeks ago I had 427 "friends", now I have 396. It's nothing personal, it's not being mean or anything like that. But if we don't keep in touch, if we're not friends in real life, not more than "friends" on Facebook, then...

Spelling.
Check. Your. Spelling. Didn't you learn anything about that in school? There are dictionaries on the internet. Did you know that? You're already on the computer, so you might as well pop up an online dictionary while you're at it if you're not sure how to spell something. "Congratulations" is not spelled with a "d"... seriously, people. I'm the kind of person who writes text messages in complete sentences, so you could say I'm a stickler for grammar and such at times. But you know how people say that when you post something on Facebook, the whole world can see it? That's pretty much true. So do you want the whole world to see your bad spelling, punctuation, and grammar? That's not putting a very intelligent image of yourself out there. What if a future employer or one of your professors were to see that? I know I goof up sometimes and don't catch incorrect spelling and such in my own postings, so I'm certainly not saying that I'm better than everyone else. What I'm saying is that it doesn't hurt to check your spelling and grammar, especially when it's painfully obvious you don't know what you're doing.

Facebook. Some people love to hate it and others hate to love it. Technology has been infiltrating our lives for numerous years and Facebook has seeped into our everyday happenings. So no matter the frustrations and ridiculousness, I doubt Facebook will be disappearing any time soon.

courage

2010-12-07T00:26:00.000-06:00

One of the little boys at work took a spill today: tripped, fell, and bit into his lip. He was such a little trooper though. I pulled a chair up to the sink to clean him up when he asked what the red stuff was on his hands. I told him it was nothing as I gently washed them with soap and water. He'd been sobbing very hard when he came to me but quickly calmed down. I carefully wiped off his face and asked him to open his mouth so I could make sure he wasn't still bleeding. It pained him to, but he cautiously did. Thankfully, mouth injuries tend to heal quickly. All cleaned up, no more tears in his eyes, and an ice pack on his lip, he was once again the bright-eyed little boy I know and love.
Thank you, God, for brave little boys who grow into strong young men.

a light in the dark room

2010-12-03T23:52:00.000-06:00

The semester is winding down, and there's a bitter-sweet feeling to it.
I'm excited to be moving closer to no longer being in school, but I've had the same teachers and some of the same classmates two semesters in a row now, and I'm going to miss them.
Mr. Vaughn's soft voice and combination of brilliance and absentmindedness.
The special "homeschooler" comradery and shared interests with Nathan.
Kaley and I helping each other with assignments in the digital and film classes.
Katie's quirky creativity and frequent swearing.
Jason being so quiet and under-rated.
The smell of dark room chemicals. The lights. The magic and time involved in developing and printing your photos "the old fashioned way". When will I ever step foot in a dark room again?
Mr. Johnson's booming voice, vast knowledge, and tendency to get on a soap box and share his own philosophies and theories on everything from life to buying software.
Weiser being so funny and entertaining.
Franco being off-the-wall and intelligent at the same time.
Rachael's ego.
Every classmate bursting at the seams with their own unique sense of creativity and how they see the world.
I'm going to miss being surrounded by so many talented people.
There is some light ahead though. In the spring I'll have Mikey for advanced photoshop, the same teacher I had for the beginning photoshop class. I know how he teaches and I really like how he runs his class. So I'm looking forward to being in one of his classes again.
I'll also be taking a marketing class in the spring. Figured it'd be a good thing to try since I want to start my own business. Getting an introduction on how to market myself as a photographer will come in handy.
I'm sad to move on, but happy to move forward. I have experiences and memories to cherish for the rest of my life... and two binders full of prints from the dark room. :)

new route

2010-12-02T00:18:00.000-06:00

I read Sherlock Holmes, Jane Austen, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Lauren Willig...
I listen to Queen, Jason Mraz, Skillet, The Beatles, Adele, Patrick & Eugene...
I go through phases of wearing makeup and then thinking it's the worst thing ever.
I don't think The Cosby Show will ever get old.
My cat is deaf. I talk to her. She likes to climb door jambs.
Getting my hair to lie flat is an accomplishment. Keeping it curled or wavy how I want it is impossible.
I play guitar, but my repertoire of songs is pathetic.
One of my dreams is to start a small photography business.
Another dream is to travel to Ireland and the Isle of Man.
I would love to be more independent and live on my own, but I wouldn't like living by myself. I'd be too lonely.
I'm realizing how self-centered this is all sounding and wondering why exactly I started writing this.
I should write about other people instead.

----

My parents are amazing. They're so supportive and loving. I'm very thankful to have such great Christian parents.

My sister is crazy. I don't know how her husband puts up with her. But she's caring and thoughtful, and her husband is smart and funny. I love them both.

My brother gets on my nerves. But what brother doesn't bother his sister? He's growing up so fast. He's so smart and has big ideas. Point him in the right direction and he'll go far.

My exchange student sister is so sweet and creative. I've always secretly wished I had a little sister, and now I do. She is such a blessing to our family.

My boss is such a great Christian woman. So caring, organized, business-minded, and fun to be around. I doubt I'll ever find an employer as wonderful as she is.

My dearest friend. We've never lived very close to each other, and we don't get to see each other often. But in the four years we've known each other, we both feel like we've stuck closer together than our other friends have stuck to us. We've both had to deal with friends not being great friends, and friends growing apart. Even though school and other things in life make keeping in touch hard, we have a special bond. I hope God blesses you in all you do and that we remain close friends for many years to come.

We are still fairly new additions to each other's lives, still learning and growing. But it's so great! I certainly can't do the wonderfulness of it justice in this one small sentence, but I can't wait to see what God has in store. :)

listen in

2010-11-24T00:28:00.000-06:00

A glimpse into my iTunes library.
Enjoy. :)

Ingrid Michaelson - Breakable

U2 - Vertigo

Matt Nathanson - Come On Get Higher

The Clash - London Calling

ache to remember

2010-11-16T23:04:00.000-06:00

"I miss the sound of your voice

And I miss the brush of your skin

And I miss the still of the silence

As you breathe out and I breathe in"

Sometimes I get irritated by sappy songs. Sometimes they're just too sappy. For instance, I'm not a big fan of Taylor Swift's music. (I know a lot of people aren't going to be happy with me about that, but oh well.) Sometimes I hear sappy love songs and I think, "Ok, seriously? Grow up a little bit. Be a little more realistic." It's all part of my internal struggle to not give in to the "hopeless romantic" notions that seem to be so engrained in my subconscious. I try to be practical and think clearly, but that doesn't work very well most of the time... So I might as well hang up the white flag and surrender to my subconscious instead of continually fighting it. Accept how I am and live with it.

Sometimes a sappy song perfectly describes what is happening in your life...

dummy

2010-11-11T16:17:00.003-06:00

"You stupid person! Don't be so selfish! Good grief. Think of others before yourself. That's what love is about, putting someone's needs above your own. Who cares if you don't like the situation. Just because you're not getting anything out of it doesn't mean he isn't. I really expected more of you."

I get mad at myself sometimes...

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. ⁸ Love never fails.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

² Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.

Ephesian 4:2

aesthetics

2010-11-08T17:21:00.000-06:00

Proverbs 31:10-31
10 A wife of noble character who can find?
   She is worth far more than rubies.
¹¹ Her husband has full confidence in her
   and lacks nothing of value.
¹² She brings him good, not harm,
   all the days of her life.
¹³ She selects wool and flax
   and works with eager hands.
¹⁴ She is like the merchant ships,
   bringing her food from afar.
¹⁵ She gets up while it is still night;
   she provides food for her family
   and portions for her female servants.
¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it;
   out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
¹⁷ She sets about her work vigorously;
   her arms are strong for her tasks.
¹⁸ She sees that her trading is profitable,
   and her lamp does not go out at night.
¹⁹ In her hand she holds the distaff
   and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
²⁰ She opens her arms to the poor
   and extends her hands to the needy.
²¹ When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
   for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
²² She makes coverings for her bed;
   she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
²³ Her husband is respected at the city gate,
   where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
²⁴ She makes linen garments and sells them,
   and supplies the merchants with sashes.
²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity;
   she can laugh at the days to come.
²⁶ She speaks with wisdom,
   and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
²⁷ She watches over the affairs of her household
   and does not eat the bread of idleness.
²⁸ Her children arise and call her blessed;
   her husband also, and he praises her:
²⁹ “Many women do noble things,
   but you surpass them all.”
³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
   but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
³¹ Honor her for all that her hands have done,
   and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

*God, please help me to be a woman like this...*

The verse that strikes me the most in this passage is verse 30. "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised." So many times we base our value on our outside appearance. We base our value of other people on their outside appearance. That is not right.
So many things in the world tell us that we must look like this, dress like that, have this body type, be that size, have this hair, have that complexion. It's maddening and useless.
I think women more than men deal with this kind of pressure. But then men see these messages too and think that these kinds of supermodel women actually exist when in reality they're an airbrushed fantasy.
Things like hygiene and exercise, taking care of your body, that's one thing. I think that if someone can show they know how to take care of themselves then that better shows they're able to take care of other people too.
But when someone is so concerned about outside appearance to the point that if they or someone else doesn't look a certain way that it counts against their character and personality, that's not right. It should not be that way. Beauty and looks only get you so far. It's good character, confidence, and talent that will take you far in life.
Beauty doesn't last either. We're all getting a little bit older every day. Your smooth skin, shiny hair, and fit body aren't going to last. We're all going to be old and wrinkly someday. It's inevitable.
The way the world sees beauty is shallow. It all has to do with the outside, with looks, appearances, and largely with sex appeal. The world doesn't value good character, strong morals, bright personalities, kind spirits. No, none of that matters. If you don't have the looks, you're worthless.
I know many people who wouldn't be considered "beautiful" in the eyes of the world. But you know what? They are some of the most beautiful people I know. They are beautiful because of their hearts, the love they share with others, their joy, their dispositions, their talents, their faith. That's what makes them beautiful. And when you're gorgeous beyond belief in that sense, does the outside really matter at all?

curl up

2010-11-04T22:36:00.000-05:00

Some songs are just so perfect. You can't help but listen to them over and over and over...

be

2010-11-02T14:16:00.000-05:00

Be patient, not frustrated.
Be understanding, not judgmental.
Be helpful, not hurtful.
Be thankful, not wanting.
Be loving, not hateful.
Be giving, not taking.
Be to others how you want them to be to you.
Be the kind of person you want to be with.

Be still and know that I am God.
Psalm 46:10

missing piece

2010-11-01T09:56:00.001-05:00

Even if you know it's only temporary, even if you know you're going to see them again, saying "goodbye" is hard.
It's like there's a new piece inside of you. And even though it's new, it fits so perfectly with the rest of your pieces, like it's been there all along. But when you say "goodbye", that piece is torn, ripped out, and it's painful.
I guess the pain is a good indication though. I would rather feel sad and broken when the piece leaves than feel happy and free. If I was happy when the piece is torn out, that would not be good.
So yes, saying "goodbye" is hard. The pain is not enjoyable. The piece is temporarily missing, but it'll be back.
Just hold on.

regarding

2010-10-28T09:42:00.000-05:00

He called to say "hi"
To catch up
Said things were going great
Really turning around
That she's amazing
And he's changing
I certainly hope so
For her sake

-----

Hesitance and holding back
Wanting to go forward, but not sure
Unequal feelings
Head still reeling
Will this be anything more?

Missing you forever
Missing your touch
Wanting reassurance
That you miss me that much
Do you?

-----

Does she know who you were
Does she know what you've done
You say you're different now
But that hasn't undone
The actions that are final
That can't be taken back
The actions that forever
Taint what honor you had

-----

Uncertain regard
For someone so dear
Someone who cares
For you unrestrained

"Take it slow, take your time"
"Don't make mistakes"
"Don't do things you'll regret"

But you must say
How you intend
To share your affections
No matter how small

Any affirmation
Not matter how faint
Would replace the world
Into her hands

For you are her world
And now it all depends
On your regard
Your caring embrace

The empty facade
Will you abandon it
And finally show
The truth inside
For her alone

-----

blazing

2010-10-14T22:08:00.000-05:00

The weather today was so gorgeous. Bright and sunny with a breezy coolness so that the temperature stayed quite pleasant all day.
My Mom, my Grandma, and I enjoyed the loveliness by eating lunch on the back deck today.
While sitting there, eating and enjoying each other's company, part of the conversation ran like this...

Grandma: *looking at me while the sun is shining on me* Oh, Laura. Your hair...
Me: What?
Grandma: It's so pretty!
Me: *smiles* Yeah, I know.
Grandma: *turns to my Mom, jokingly* She's conceited, isn't she?

Nothing wrong with being a little conceited. It's good to be confident in yourself, whether it be in your abilities, character, appearance, etc. Just make sure your confidence is well-placed and you don't flaunt it constantly. :)

be be your love

2010-09-26T20:07:00.000-05:00

I really love this song.
Be Be Your Love by Rachel Yamagata.

If I could take you away
Pretend I was queen
What would you say
Would you think I'm unreal
'Cause everybody's got their way I should feel

Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real
Want to be your everything

Everything...

Everything's falling, and I am included in that
Oh, how I try to be just okay
Yeah, but all I ever really wanted
Was a little piece of you

And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

Everything will be alright
If you just stay the night
Please, sir, don't you walk away, don't you walk away, don't you walk away
Please, sir, don't you walk away, don't you walk away, don't you walk away

And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

I want to be your love, love, love

jar of hearts

2010-09-16T21:41:00.001-05:00

This song resonated with me so deeply when I first heard it back in June. I should have heeded its warning at that time, but I waffled and as a result ended up floating in murky waters for a while. Things are clear now though and headed in the right direction. I like where God is leading me. He knows better than I.

roll over

2010-09-14T19:09:00.000-05:00

Been in kind of a slump lately. Kind of a dreary place in my brain. Not feeling enthused about anything. No creative processes going on. Not really putting effort into things.
But recent events have changed that. It's like a switch has been flipped. I feel alive and happy. Like I have a purpose, a goal to work towards, something to do that gives me worth. There's new energy flowing through my brain.
I like this. I don't want it to end.

remember september

2010-09-03T11:27:00.000-05:00

It's the third day of September. The weather is lovely and cool and I have class today.
Been fighting off a cough for the past three or four days, but I think it's finally clearing up. Just in time for what promises to be an exciting weekend. :)
My current music obsessions?

Michael Buble

Adele

Ingrid Michaelson

It's chill music with an original sound. I like it.
Enjoy the beautiful weather today!

sister o' mine

2010-08-23T20:59:00.000-05:00

Today is my lovely sister's birthday.
:)
She's created a blog for her soon-to-exist page on the newly popular website http://www.etsy.com/.
Here's a link!
http://piecefuljoy.wordpress.com/
She's an awesome, beautiful, and sometimes zany person. I'm proud to claim her as my sister.
Happy Birthday!

fatherly love

2010-08-17T00:01:00.000-05:00

To be treasured, loved, cherished. That's what so many of us look for in our lives.
It's easy to look for that in the people we know. In friends, family, and significant others.
But we're not perfect. We let each other down.
Very true, we love each other, but our love is not perfect like God's love.
He cherishes us no matter what.
He's not superficial.
He doesn't drop us the minute we do something wrong.
Instead, He lovingly forgives us and continues to love us.
It's very important to remember this not only when the people in our lives let us down, but all the time.
We're not perfect, but He is.
That's so comforting.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son,that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
John 3:16

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:22-23

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.
1 John 3:16-18

difference

2010-07-29T23:57:00.000-05:00

It kind of hurts when friends grow apart.
It can be painful.
You see it happening, you feel the separation, but there's nothing you can do about it.
Somehow your lives don't match up anymore.
You used to talk all the time and see each other at every opportunity.
Jokes shared, laughs blossomed, you comforted each other.
But it's not the same anymore.
People come and go, and we're better for knowing them. But the separation hurts when it's still fresh.
Maybe they've changed or found someone they have more in common with.
Or maybe it's you that's changed.
Either way...
Change is inevitable in all of our lives.
But that doesn't always make it any easier to deal with.

hum

2010-07-25T16:23:00.010-05:00

I know a lot of people feel the same way about music as I do. It's such a sweet escape sometimes.
Helps you calm down and think things through.
When the perfect song comes along that describes exactly how you feel, it's like finding the missing piece of a puzzle.
Often, when I get comfy and ready to sleep, I'll pick something soft to listen to on my iPod as I drift off. Blocks out any other noises going on and helps me fall asleep faster.
I usually pick something loud and fun to listen to while I'm driving though. I do a lot of driving during the school year, so it breaks up the monotony of driving the same roads several times a week.
You can tie memories to certain songs or kinds of music. Whether they're good memories or bad, it helps you hold on to the past. You can reminisce about sweet times or be reminded of mistakes that don't need to happen again.
I think a lot of us would be lost without music. I thank God so much for giving us the gift of music. The world wouldn't be complete without it.

Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Ephesians 5:19-20

My heart is steadfast, O God; I will sing and make music with all my soul.
Psalm 108:1

restart

2010-07-12T20:24:00.000-05:00

Growing up and starting over. Forgiving and forgetting.
Working things out.
Having patience and helping each other.
Doing things correctly this time around.
This could be the beginning of something beautiful.

broken and beautiful

2010-07-05T23:47:00.002-05:00

We've messed up. Made mistakes. Made unwise choices. We haven't been careful.
We're both broken.
And on the road to recovery.
Maybe we can help each other get better?

band-aid
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
Hebrews 12:1-2

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
1 Thessalonians 5:11

sleep tight

2010-06-28T22:57:00.000-05:00

"You look cute today."
"Oh, thanks! This is my 'I Need To Go To Bed Earlier So I Don't Sleep Through My Alarm Clock' look." *I grin sheepishly*
"You look cute."
---
Yep, that was the conversation between my boss and me this morning. :) I'm so blessed to work for such a lovely Christian woman. I enjoy my job.
It is true though. I do need to go to bed earlier. But I really love staying up late. Not sure why, but I do. Alone time maybe? After spending all day around kids, it's kind of refreshing to have time to myself to just breath and do things.
Last week on Monday when I got home from Summer Training, I started working on my photos right away. I worked non-stop from about 8:30 that night until 2:00 in the morning. I got a lot done! I guess that's another perk of staying up late. Gives me time to edit and work on photos if I need to.
I do need to learn to recognize when my body is tired though. My brain keeps wanting to go, but my body screams for sleep. When I finally do make myself lay down, I fall asleep almost instantly. It doesn't take long. I'm super tired and don't even realize it.
Sleep is good. I love sleep. I need to go to sleep now... hopefully I will. :)
Good night!

snore

time travel

2010-06-26T15:38:00.001-05:00

Poor, little, neglected blog. I haven't been taking very good care of you. So many other things have been demanding my time. And my brain seems to be empty of things that need to be written about. Does the world really want to hear my small insights anyways? Maybe they don't, and maybe they won't care if I don't write anymore. I probably shouldn't be spilling my personal thoughts for the whole world to see. Who knows who reads this.
But...
...
...
...
You know what's frustrating? When everyone lives so far away. Friends, family, everyone. Granted, this may be due to the fact that nearly everyone I know is in OAFC, and so the majority of them live in a different state. But still. It kind of sucks. I don't really "know" many people locally. I mean, I know their names and a little about them, but I don't "know" them. I'm not close to them like I am with other people. Also, it seems like any sort of potential relationship interest that comes along deals with major distance. It's like, "What the heck? Aren't they any nice, Christian men around here close by?". But considering I'm in "hickville" area, probably not. Maybe a long distance relationship is the only option for me at this time. I've done long distance before and would rather not do it again, but maybe I'll have to.
This feeling of distance is probably due to the fact that I just got back from OAFC Summer Training. I miss everyone so much. I feel like such an alien on a foreign planet when I get back from OAFC. I'm thrown from one environment to another, and they're completely different from each other. I miss the atmosphere at OAFC. Monday was the last day of Summer Training when everyone (except the Travel Teams) went home. I woke up at my host home that morning and for a split second thought I was home already. I almost cried. I didn't want to leave. I want to press a rewind button and experience Summer Training all over again. I miss my team, my friends, people I just met, people I've known for forever, people I'm getting to know again. I miss them all. I want to go back.